Listening...

End of the Year Thoughts

2011-12-28T11:04:00.000-06:00

Today I am packing for a long-awaited vacation with my family, but I have two things I wanted to share. First, a Christmas gift I received.

My parents often give me books. (Where do you think I got my love of reading from?!) This year they gave me a coffee table book I had on my wish-list. It's called Once There Were Castles by Larry Millett.

I heard the author on MPR earlier this fall when the book was released and knew I wanted to get my hands on a copy. I actually own another of his books Lost Twin Cities. Millet is a local architectural historian who has written about buildings long since razed and how the buildings and the lives of the people who built them tell the stories of our local landscape. His books are eye-candy for me. Visually capturing bygone eras, I experience the desire to will myself into the photographs in the book. I long to walk around in the photos and see the landscape from all perspectives. Alas, I must settle for reading Millet's text and soaking in every detail of the images he presents. I am an armchair historian and a lover of old houses so this assemblage of Millet's research inspires me in particular. I only wish it was small enough to take on vacation with me! It will be a treat to savor when I return.

My other thought I intend to initiate before I even return. Last year I read through the Bible in 90 days. It was break-neck speed if you ask me, but I did appreciate an overarching view of the story of God and his people. I used an app on my phone called YouVersion to follow the daily reading plan, there is also a website for YouVersion that does the same thing if you don't happen to have a smart phone. YouVersion has something like 220 reading plans, obviously not all encompass the entire Bible. Some are devotional, others are partial Bible or topical. So, I've decided to read a chronological plan this year called Reading God's Story: One-Year Chronological Plan and I am going to start on January 1. One feature I like about this plan is that there are six readings for each week to give me space for catching up when needed. After the Bible-in-90-days plan this seems prudent!

So, I mention this to inspire you...ever thought of reading the entire Bible? Or just want to get on a path that will encourage the daily reading of scripture in your life? The beginning of a new year is always an opportunity to put your best foot forward and step into new endeavors. Why not consider a Bible reading plan that will add structure, rhythm and perspective to your life? I would love it if others would join me.

That's all for now I guess...Merry Christmas & Epiphany Blessings...see you in the New Year!

one thousand gifts

2011-11-09T21:52:00.001-06:00

I have very rarely met a book in which I couldn't find some value. But it is even more rare for me to discover a volume that compels me to savor, breathing it in as slowly as I breath when a butterfly lands on my shoulder.

This summer in a casual conversation, a friend was telling me about a book she was reading and she said, "You would like this book!" Initially, this didn't strike me as unique. Lots of friends tell me about books I should read. Mostly because I have a lot of bookish friends! But as I listened beyond her words, I heard my friend's heart. And in her heart I heard something different...this is a friend I've known for some 20 odd years. I am not sure what I heard exactly, but her heart spoke to me of transformation. Something was happening in my friend as a result of this book. I was pretty sure that whatever was happening was calling me too. In my friend's words I heard an echo of things God had been speaking to me recently.

I had to locate a copy.

It took me a few weeks of actively searching. I finally gave up on my cheap/free avenues and ordered one from Amazon so I could take it on vacation with me in early August. I started reading it the day it arrived in late July. As of today, I am only on page 73.

Yes, I have had a busy fall with teaching at the university and at church as well as keeping up with our house and our active family's life...but that really doesn't explain why I am on page 73. There are really two reasons I am moving so slowly through this book.

One reason is because this author writes prose that reads like poetry. The words are like oil. The ideas ebb and flow with a rhythm of their own, compelling the reader to slow down in order to really take them in. Each phrase, each paragraph, each idea crafted from a well of meaning that inspires. I read. I re-read. I pause to ponder. I sift the sweet. I am a reader by passion as well as by trade (teaching will do that to you). I read a lot of poorly composed prose, so my palate is particularly sensitive. This book soothes.

Even as the prose soothes, however, the content is transforming me. one thousand gifts is about gratitude and trust, finding the sacred in the ordinary and slowing down. Simple, yet profound ideas that come at the right time in my life. Voskamp is not the first author to write about these ideas. But she is the first to write about them in this way. In the way that I can hear right now in my life.

We all hear with our hearts, whether we are listening closely or not. Sometimes something strikes a chord and we recognize that something is trying to get our attention. This book is that for me. Really, it has captured my heart and mind. That alone is reason to move slowly, with care. Truly holding the ideas offered in the pages. I already know it is one of those books that I don't ever want to finish. I could tell you the title of every tome of which I have had that thought. There are not that many.

What books have you read that caused you to slow down in order to really take them in? And more importantly, how did they change you?

Whatcha Readin'?

2011-06-06T11:01:00.000-05:00

Summer is nothing if not time for lounging in a lawn chair with a good book! And folks, summer has FINALLY come to Minnesota. So I want to hear what you are reading this summer. As I am planning a new course for the psychology department in the fall, my leisure reading time is being filled with reading/re-reading the texts I will require my students to read (see previous post, below). Additionally, I am reading Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, which I assigned my students to read for the online course I am teaching this summer. (Of course, I've been wanting to read Blink, which is why I assigned it to my students...shhhhhh!) But if I have a few minutes to read something for fun I will be reading...well, I don't know yet! But I am open to suggestions, so let's hear them. What are you excited to read as you sit by the pool sipping a ____________ (you fill in the blank!)

A Fun Chore

2011-03-02T20:37:00.000-06:00

So a couple of weeks ago the psychology department asked me to teach a different class than the one I was expecting to teach next fall. This is not a bad thing, except that I now need to develop a whole new course instead of teaching my current course for the third time. The new class is called Personal Wholeness with God, Self and Others. Actually, I taught this same course more than a dozen years ago, back when it had a different name. To be fair, I would say that it is one of the less academically rigorous courses offered in the department, but in the interest of full disclosure I do enjoy teaching it because 1) I am given a lot of freedom as to how I develop the course and 2) I get to draw on my training and experience as a therapist in teaching it. I like that.

I am currently planning to focus on seven facets of personal wholeness: physical, intellectual, social, emotional, spiritual, environmental and vocational. Those areas are pretty broadly defined at the moment. I am looking into 200-300 page books for each facet that the students will read over a 2 week period. I have decided on some books and am still musing about others. Overall, deciding which books will be required reading for a course like this is what I consider to be a fun chore...but also a privilege and a responsibility that I take very seriously.

I have already thought about the fact that I will need to tell the students up front that there is a myriad of titles we could choose to read for a course like this. Whatever we end up reading, we have to keep in mind that these titles are just the current lenses we will use to examine these facets of personal wholeness. Other lenses might reveal other aspects of a facet. In the end, it will be up to them to continue to be life long students of their own personal wholeness.

I am interested in what books you think I should consider. If you had taken this course as a college freshman what are some of the titles you wish would have been required reading? Here's the current list under consideration. Hopefully, if you have a little knowledge about some of these titles it will tell you which direction I am hoping to take each facet. Some of the titles are still negotiable, but I won't tell you which ones, so let me honestly know what you think.

Physical - High Performance Health Workbook by James Rippe

Intellectual - (one of the books/articles on Multiple Intelligence) by Howard Gardner

Social - Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? By John Powell

Emotional - Tired of Trying to Measure Up by Jeff VanVonderen

Spiritual - Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen

Environmental - Serve God Save the Planet by Matthew Sleeth

Vocational - Courage and Calling by Gordon Smith

Book Aficionados Meme

2011-01-11T00:31:00.000-06:00

Book Aficionados Meme

1. Hardcover or paperback, and why?

I prefer hardcovers for my library, but usually can only afford paperbacks...

2. If I were to own a book shop I would call it…

Put Down the Remote

3. My favourite quote from a book (mention the title) is…

In Great Expectations Pip says to Estella:
" . . . You have been in every prospect I have ever seen since - on the river, on the sails of the ships, on the marshes, in the clouds, in the light, in the darkness, in the wind, in the woods, in the sea, in the streets. You have been the embodiment of every graceful fancy that my mind has ever become acquainted with. The stones of which the strongest London buildings are made, are not more real, or more impossible to be displaced by your hands, than your presence and influence have been to me, there and everywhere, and will be. Estella, to the last hour of my life, you cannot choose but remain part of my character, part of the little good in me, part of the evil. But, in this separation I associate you only with the good, and I will faithfully hold you to that always, for you must have done me far more good than harm, let me feel now what sharp distress I may. O God bless you, God forgive you!"
The passionate declaration of love in the face of pain is absolute poetry. Leaves me weeping everytime. Yeah, Dickens was pretty good.

4. The author (alive or dead) I would love to have lunch with would be ….

Anne Morrow Lindbergh. I'd love to have lunch with her on the beach on Sanibel Island that was her inspiration for Gift from the Sea.

5. If I was going to a deserted island and could only bring one book, except for the SAS survival guide, it would be…

I stole this answer, but its still true! I'll give you a hint. It starts with a "B"... If I was allowed three books I'd probably take Jane Eyre. Her indomitable spirit would get me through. (And she is fresh in my memory since I just saw Jane Eyre at the Guthrie!)

6. I would love someone to invent a bookish gadget that….

Do we really need anything other than the books themselves???

7. The smell of an old book reminds me of….

The stacks in the basement at the University of MN.

8. If I could be the lead character in a book (mention the title), it would be….

Madeline, of children's book fame. She's always organizing everyone and coming up with fantastic plans and rescuing those that need saving. Great girl, love her!

9. The most overestimated book of all times is….

So far I haven't met one that didn't deserve the credit it gets.

10. I hate it when a book….

Gives too much away in the Introduction...geeze, its an INTRODUCTION!!! (Readers beware: My "Oprah approved" new copy of Anna Karenina gave away a major piece of plot!)

A Couple of Favorites in Honor of St. Nicholas

2010-12-07T01:22:00.001-06:00

The Bearer of Gifts by Kenneth Steven is one of my all time favorite books. It is the story of a lonely woodcarver who carves useful items in a far northern place called Lapland. He travels by sleigh and reindeer to follow a star to the Middle East and discovers a tiny babe in a humble stable and is transformed by the encounter. He returns to Lapland in the spring and his mission in life is completely changed. He decides to carve toys for all of the children, in honor of the babe who changed him..."for those who have never known the joy of giving and for those who have never known the joy of receiving." Some call him Kris Kringle or Sinter Klaus, we call him Santa Claus. Though this small-ish picture book was written for children it beautifully tells the tale of transformation in a way that also moves adults.

December 6th is the feast day of Saint Nicholas, also a lover of children and a giver of gifts to those in need. Many years ago now, when our girls were small (4 and 1?) we decided to make the feast of Saint Nicholas a family tradition in our house. At that time we were faced with the looming question, "What do we do about Santa Claus?" Neither of us grew up in a home that made a big deal of Santa. A few humble gifts in our stockings was about it...my mom even threw in-the-shell peanuts in the bottom of our stockings to make them look filled out. (I don't eat in-the-shell peanuts...too much work!) But our desire for something different wasn't just because our families of origin didn't embrace this tradition.

We decided we really wanted to be intentional about accomplishing three things: 1) telling our girls the story of the real "santa" a.k.a. Saint Nicholas, 2) carving out some family time for the four of us to celebrate that wouldn't always get 'pushed around' by other family gatherings, and 3) moving our family's gift-giving away from the celebration of Jesus' birth. So, we decided to celebrate Saint Nicholas and make December 6th the day that we would exchange gifts among our family. This allows us to focus on Advent...waiting for Jesus to come...the rest of the month, as well as challenge our girls to think about what gifts they can give to others and not focus on what they were going to receive.

Over the years our traditions on this day have evolved. In years past Brian and I have both taken work off and even kept the girls home from school for the day, but that wasn't possible this year so we celebrated on December 5th instead. We set the table with the china and stuff the stockings the evening before so we can begin our celebration in the morning. We still get up before the girls and start our breakfast feast. My goal is always to have as many candles as I can find places to set them and light them all before the girls come downstairs. It is the first symbol we recognize...the light symbolizing the light of Christ's love that Saint Nicholas was committed to sharing with the world.

With the candles glowing and a fire blazing in the fireplace we sit down to read through a liturgy that I have gathered from various places and pulled together. A couple of years ago several families from church had been asking what we do to celebrate, so we had them over to celebrate with us. The liturgy was really written to share the story of Saint Nicholas with them, and we continue to read it together because it marks the day right from the beginning as a holy and special time. In the midst of the liturgy we stop and read The Bearer of Gifts as well as Santa are You for Real? another of our favorites.

Following the liturgy, the girls get to empty their stockings. Here other symbols associated with Saint Nicholas are evident. They each receive an orange...representing the food Nicholas shared with the poor. They receive a candy cane to symbolize Nicholas' crozier...the staff of a bishop of the Church. They also find several chocolate gold coins like the gold that Nicholas shared with one family who had three daughters. The daughters needed a dowry or they could not marry, so Nicholas anonymously 'threw bags of gold coins in the window/down the chimney and they landed in the girls' stockings which were hung up to dry.' Our girls also receive an ornament every year in their stocking. I try to choose ornaments that symbolize where they are at/who they are becoming/things they enjoy. This year Hannah sewed Sock-monkey pyjamas with a friend so her ornament was a little sock-monkey. Ella took horse-riding lessons this past summer and I think we will be spending many summers at the stables, so she received a silver horse. Then there is some more miscellaneous candy, including a Santa pez dispenser this year.

Finally, when the gifts have been opened we usually allow the girls time to play with their gifts. Then we often do some kind of craft related to Saint Nicholas. My favorite was the year we made mini Nicholas place-card holders for our table. They turned out really nice and we continue to use them every year. I hope we are still using them 20 years from now for our family Christmas celebration, no matter how it evolves by then. Because I truly hope that the girls will attach all kinds of wonderful memories to these little clay-pot saints, memories about the choices that we made as a family to honor a saint who is worth emulating and to honor the gift of being a family.

100 Books

2010-11-21T23:39:00.001-06:00

Since both a friend and my cousin sent me this I decided to play...
Have you read more than 6 of these books? The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here.

Instructions: Copy this into your NOTES. Bold those books you've read in their entirety, italicize the ones you started but didn't finish or read an excerpt. Tag other book nerds. Tag me as well so I can see your responses!

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk

18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck (actually reading again right now!)

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

34 Emma -Jane Austen

35 Persuasion - Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe - CS Lewis --- part of Narnia... agreed, this is redundant

37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh - A.A. Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52 Dune - Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens (is this the 'best of times, worst of times' one?!)

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Inferno - Dante

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal - Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web - E.B. White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

On Finishing A Book

2010-11-05T23:05:00.004-05:00

My test of a good novel is dreading to begin the last chapter. ~Thomas Helm

One of my favorite books is a book I have never finished. It's true!

Although the words are over fifty years old, Gift from the Sea still speaks powerfully about women’s lives. Using the different kinds of shells she finds on the beach, Anne Morrow Lindbergh talks in metaphor about simplicity, peaceful solitude, caring for the soul, a woman finding her place in society and life, about distracted busy lives, being in love, growing a family, and moving on with life when the children grow up. Her meditations are simple yet profound.

I started reading Gift probably at least 10 years ago. I have no idea who introduced me to this lovely collection of essays, but I wish they could know how much it continues to mean to me. AML's prose is perfect. The words roll into phrases and then paragraphs painting gorgeous illustrations of her thoughts across the pages. The way she writes makes me wish I had known her as a friend, or at least met her once before her death in 2001. I wonder, "Did she talk like that?" and "What great conversations we would have had!" Her thoughts mirror so many of my own ideas about life and reflect them back to me from between the pages. Did I mention, I love this book.

When I first learned of Gift I put it on my Christmas wish-list. My mom bought me a slim paperback copy, the cover art was a photo of a shell laying in sand. I don't recall actually reading much of that copy. A couple of years later my mom found an older edition at a thrift store. Knowing that I prefer hardcovers, she bought that one too and gifted me with another Gift. That copy has been my treasured inspiration ever since. I can't tell when it was released, but the cover art is definitely from a different era...the 60s perhaps? When I open it I smell 'Eau de old book.' (If that was a cologne I think I might make my husband wear it!)

The most interesting thing about my copy of Gift is the inscription on the front end papers: "Happy Valentines - Suzanne, Jeff, Julie and Chris" written in a scripted hand that also seems to come from another era. Why is that significant? A few years ago I was Up North at the Cabin with my college girlfriends on our annual escape weekend at my friend Kathy's in-laws' cabin. I picked up a copy of Gift laying on a table and commented that it was one of my all-time favorite books. My friend replied that her mother-in-law loves it too and often gives it as a gift. Then it dawned on me, my copy was inscribed by Kathy's mother-in-law, Suzanne! The names of their family were all correct and even in the prescribed order...with my friend's husband, Chris, written last as he is the youngest child. Clearly Suzanne had given a copy as a gift pre-1991 when Chris and Kathy married (or Kathy would have been included in the inscription). That unwanted copy had been "gifted" to a thrift store and wound its way into my hands more than a decade later. This happy fact makes me treasure my copy even more, as surely it was meant to be mine?!

So, if I treasure this little volume so very much why have I never finished it? Alas, you would think I could finish 128 pages in no time at all! The truth is that I savor every word. I find I can only read small portions at a time and I let the thoughts linger in my mind for days. I turn them over, holding them up to the light, looking at one angle and then the next. The thoughts AML expresses so eloquently are food for my soul and inspiration that pushes me beyond the ordinariness of life and relationships. She helps me to see, to really see, and take in the beauty to be found in the simplicity of my everyday experiences. Have I told you yet, how much I love this book?

The setting of Gift is, of course, the sea shore; the time, a brief vacation which had lifted AML from the distractions of everyday existence into a place where she could ponder the various aspects of the life she was living. Those ponderings are universal, and that is what makes this little book so incredibly valuable to me. Gift was written during a sojourn on Sanibel Island, a place that is near and dear to my own well-traveled heart. I have seen the little cabin (completely remodeled now) that she stayed in...someday I would love to stay there myself, alone...and experience an epiphany in the form of my own gift from the sea.

Decorating With Books

2010-10-23T01:22:00.000-05:00

I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people

who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves.

~Anna Quindlen, "Enough Bookshelves,"

New York Times, 7 August 1991

I haven't read any Anna Quindlen. I am sure some of you are saying, "Well, that's a shame." However, I do love the above Times quote from her. I would be similarly "most content" because decorating with books has been an aspiration of mine for a very long time, but I didn't know it.

I remember when we lived in our first house...all 1,050 square feet of it...and one day I realized that we had books in EVERY room. I was so pleased. Sure, it was cookbooks in the kitchen, "reading material" in the bathroom. But besides that there was an actual book shelf in every room of that house and to me that said "we live here" because well, "we read here!" I was pleased because it seemed to me that needing to have access to books everywhere meant that reading really was an integrated part of our lives. It didn't just happen sometimes...it was important and we lived every part of every day with books readily at our fingertips.

Living with books IS both important AND wonderful in my estimation, and where the books themselves live is important to me too. One thing that I had always longed for was a real library in my home, a room dedicated to all the lovely tomes that I cherish. I didn't set out looking for a 4 bedroom home, but lucky me the next house we bought happened to be just that! (Sorry B, that you didn't get your shop!) We don't really have any out of town family besides Brian's mom who occasionally comes from Willmar and sleeps on the futon. The friends who do live out of town would most likely always stay with their own "in town" relatives. So, that 4th bedroom (once the master bedroom when the house was built) didn't really need to be a guest room...

I am fortunate to spend so many working hours in this room, surrounded by inspiration, instruction, ingenuity and inquiry. Though my desk faces out the window I sometimes wish it faced the other way. But that would be the highest form of potential distraction now wouldn't it??!

Childhood Favorites: Then & Now

2010-10-18T21:50:00.000-05:00

I am still thinking about reading as a child. I actually own several titles today that I also owned once upon a time in my childhood. Here's a short list, some of the books are the actual volumes that graced the shelves of my girlhood bedroom.

First Prayers by Tasha Tudor
A Child's Garden of Verses by Robert Louis Stevenson
Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein
Hop on Pop by Dr. Seuss
The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
Bears on Wheels by Stan and Jan Berenstain
A Bargain for Frances by Russell Hoban
Harry and the Lady Next Door by Gene Zion
Danny and the Dinosaur by Syd Hoff
The Tower of Geburah and the Iron Sceptre both by John White
The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
The Hotel Cat by Esther Averill
Here Comes Herb's Hurricane by James Stevenson
Corduroy by Don Freeman

Wow! I had no idea just how many there were until I started recording them. I am sure there are others as well, I just did a quick scan of my shelves. I can't begin to tell you the flood of memories that comes to me even as I type those titles. So many wonderful hours spent lost in the world I discovered between those pages.

When I became a parent one of the things I was so excited to do was to revisit all those worlds (books!) I loved as a child as I introduced our baby...yes baby!...to my hardcover friends. (Note: Hardcovers for babies. No paperbacks for the under 1 set!) Our little girls were barely able to sit up when I would plop them on my lap with a stack of books beside us. We would read for a half hour or so even when our girls were little...amazingly they had the attention span, but really I think they loved the attention. The comfort of listening to a parent's voice, hearing the excitement or the sweetness of a story in the tone of the reader, cuddling together...our girls seemed to naturally love our reading times. Those hours were good investments and I carefully chose the titles we read together, balancing vivid color with Caldecott award winners, my childhood favorites and the Latest and Greatest off the shelves at Barnes and Noble.

So what about this book? I promise you it doesn't fall into any of those categories. If I were to come across it at the library without ever having read it before, I am certain I would simply pass on it. This Room is Mine was published in 1966 and I owned a hardcover copy of it in the 1970s. Of all the books I read as a child I remember the illustrations in this book the most, though it wasn't a Caldecott winner. It wasn't even a particularly great story. For some reason this picture book captured my imagination.

It was the story of two sisters who shared a room and fought over the space. Eventually they put a jump rope down across the middle of the room dividing it in half...only they didn't divide it so each had half of the door, they divided it so one had the door and the other the window. For some reason I identified with the younger sister (who got the widow). I remember that she decided she would abide by the rule they had agreed on which meant that she couldn't exit the room. I think I admired her courage and her ability to stick to the rule even if it meant paying a cost. (I think she got very lonely and very hungry.) Of course the sisters eventually worked out their differences, but I don't even remember how the story ends.

So clearly, this book captured my imagination. Last week in the psychology class I teach called Life Span Development we were talking about school age children and the power of our experiences to shape us. I wonder how this book has shaped me? It seems significant that I remember it so clearly though I haven't held a copy in my hands for 30 years. There is a part of me today that values sticking to the rules despite personal costs. Not to be a martyr necessarily, but because rules are usually there to create boundaries and to guide us and typically a life with boundaries and guidance is a good thing.

So I bet you are now thinking, "what childhood books have shaped my thinking or my values?" I'd love to hear...

Learning to be a Lifelong Reader

2010-10-15T21:20:00.003-05:00

From the time that I was very very young I have memories that involve books.

When I was too young to read to myself my dad would read picture books to me while recording them on a cassette tape recorder. He set a full glass of water and a spoon next to us and every time he came to the end of a page he "ding-ed" the glass with the spoon. Later, when I would play back the tape and follow along with his voice I knew to turn the page when I heard the "ding." It was one of the ways I learned to read; following his voice and identifying the words. For a brief part of his long career as a public educator my dad was a high school librarian. He holds a master's degree in library science. He valued reading (still does) and taught me to love it too.

Friday nights growing up in our family meant a trip to the Southdale Hennepin County public library. The Southdale library was (and still is) one of the largest branch libraries in Hennepin County. A large white building, it has under-building parking and two floors of stacks with a huge "juvenile" area on the main floor. My parents would go upstairs to find their books and leave my brother and I downstairs by ourselves, free to choose our own books. I can't imagine a world where I would do this with my children today at the ages my parents left us alone in the public library. But it was a different time back then in the late 1970s. Honestly, quietly roaming the shelves and choosing just the right book, or searching through the author's last names looking for a new title by an old favorite was such a joy, I am glad I had the opportunity to be so independent. In those years I remember reading Encyclopedia Brown and the Boxcar Children, Nancy Drew and the Betsy~Tacy series. I remember the four of us exiting the library with our arms loaded. Occassionally we would have to make a mid-week run to the Augsburg Park library closer to our house to fill our needs because we didn't have the time to luxuriate in the stacks at Southdale.

Of course we had a "library" in our home as well. But that library was my dad's collection, along with a few volumes my mom felt were worth owning. My brother and I each had a shelf or two of books in our own rooms, but my dad's collection lived in half of the basement on cinderblock and board shelving, but carefully cataloged with their individual Dewey decimal numbers. We didn't have a lot of extra money when I was growing up (public educator, remember?) so I have often wondered when and where my dad purchased those volumes. But then, he is the guy who will gladly rescue any books left on the curb for the garbage man, so where he acquired them is anyone's guess.

My parents read to me, they took me to the library, they valued books enough to own a wide ranging collection of their own...and of course they modeled reading for pleasure at every turn. These are the ways my mom and dad taught me about being a lifelong reader. It is a gift, a legacy, a choice for which I will always be thankful. My own appreciation for books and what they offer my life is a family value that continues to bless me again and again. A family value that I have worked hard to pass on to my own children...

What??? I have a blog?!

2010-10-15T18:55:00.000-05:00

Sorry it has been awhile since I've been here. Bear with me, I'd like to get back into some writing. Not sure what form this blog should take. What would you like to hear about? What tickles your fancy? What gets your mojo going? What inspires you or brings you peace? I'm thinking about all of the things I generally don't think about. I'd like to be more intentional about spending time on what gives me life and if I'm honest, I'd like to spend less time working. I can always work more...and usually do. And I love my job, so sometimes it does inspire me and bring me life. But, too much work makes Tonya a dull girl. So, to that end I'm thinking about using this blog to try something new...

stay tuned...

To Walk Alongside

2010-06-03T00:48:00.000-05:00

I remember a season when I longed for a woman to mentor me. I was in fulltime ministry at a parachurch organization and most of the staff were men. Good men, but they had men's perspectives on ministry. I longed for a woman who had more experience than me to come alongside me and listen to my heart for ministry. Better yet, I wanted someone who would let me walk alongside her and observe how she followed God and ministered.

Fast forward 10 years. I felt God leading our family to help plant a new church, under the leadership of a woman pastor. By this time I was a stay-home mom and I had found an older woman with grown kids and asked her to mentor me in my mom role. We were actually mutually encouraging to one another and it worked out well for a couple of years. But as we left one church to plant this new church it was clear that I would need to intentionally let go of some relationships in order to allow room for God to grow me in other relationships.

It didn't occur to me to consider my new pastor to be a potential mentor, until several months in when I asked her if I could literally follow her around (walk alongside!) for a week as part of my own discernment process around going to seminary. This didn't actually happen, but not long after that she asked me to be the chair of the leadership team that would govern this new little church through the initial stages of development until it became a full member church in the denomination. To this day, I will never know what she saw in me that suggested I knew anything that would be helpful in this role. I had no experience serving on a board and only limited experience with the inner workings of running a church. I suspect that more than anything she saw my open willingness to learn and fully enter new experiences.

Over the past 3 years I have gained more perspective and wisdom than I would have thought possible in this role. Granted I am still often unsure of the next step forward as we lead this new kind of church, but I have learned much about how to lead with caution and grace; how to trust that faith and endurance will bring clarity. It hasn't been easy and I have made more than my share of mistakes. But even the process of learning to apologize and lead with humility has been an amazing growing place for me.

With every step forward I glance at the woman next to me who is taking a similar step herself. We don't always step at the same time or even in the same manner. But I continue to learn from her example and her steadiness. I have learned that she doesn't always know the next step either. But she knows when to trust, when to hold firm and when to move, trusting the Holy Spirit to guide. By watching her I am learning to trust my own instincts in these areas too. To sit under her leadership as my pastor is a mark of God's care for me, to walk alongside her in ministry is a gift, and to call her friend is an honor.

Thank you Jan, for modeling what it means to follow God so faithfully and for trusting me and calling me "further up and further in!" (CS Lewis)

Back then in 1987...

2010-06-02T23:12:00.000-05:00

Back then in 1987 I could never have known the bond that would grow between us. The story of how God has woven our lives together despite time and distance amazes me even now. Six of us grew up together at a Covenant Church and went off to what was then Bethel College, in the fall of 1987. We decided none of us would room together (not even the twin sisters!) in order to expand our group of friends and meet new people. So, by the end of freshman year our little group had grown...by a lot! Not everyone from that group of friends still stays in touch today, but these are the faithful, plus 2 not included in this picture. We get together the 2nd Thursday of every month at someone's house. In the summer we have a pool party with our families (someone's kid always has to be rescued from the pool!). In December we have a Christmas party with the husbands...my favorite event of the holiday season. And in the spring we go up to a cabin together, that's where this picture was taken last month.

We have weathered life together over the past 23 years...We shared class notes and shampoo and food service flex money. We rejoiced over engagements. We threw so many bridal and baby showers we joked we paid for the gifts we had received several times over! We stood up in each others' weddings. We celebrated first jobs and graduate degrees. We shed tears over miscarriages and parenting struggles. We prayed earnestly for healing and yet we've lost 2 parents to cancer. We talk about struggles in our marriages and share truths we've learned from experience. We don't always agree. In fact, we pretty much have the political spectrum covered. We've changed over the years...our opinions and our hairstyles. We've learned that how often we see each other is not as important as the committment to BE THERE for each other when it matters most. We ALWAYS encourage one another to listen for God and to follow our dreams.

These are my girls and I love them. It has been an amazing gift to watch each other grow and become more Christ-like through the seasons. I am so grateful. "I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:3-6

Always a Pile There, Isn't There.

2010-03-06T01:02:00.000-06:00

I dusted my nightstand yesterday so I quickly took stock of the titles which reside there at the moment:

The Words of Jesus - Phyllis Tickle - Nonfiction/Spiritual
A book of 3 reflections from Annie Dillard (yes, including The Writing Life) - Nonfiction/Reflection
Small Wonder - Barbara Kingsolver - Nonfiction/Essays (reads like dessert - I don't want to take in too much in one sitting, its all rich and I will hate to finish it!)
The Raven in the Foregate - Ellis Peters - Fiction! (Excited to get to this one someday, recommended by a friend)
Seven Sacred Pauses - Macrina Wiederkehr - Nonfiction/Spiritual
Rediscovering Values - Jim Wallis - Nonfiction/Spiritual & Culture
The Tales of Beadle the Bard - JK Rowling - Fiction!

Of course, I read for a living (grading personal narratives this week), so when I might finish this stack is anyone's guess. I do plan to finish both the Wiederkerhr and Wallis books over my spring break. (No, not on a beach, don't I wish.) Maybe I'll get to start some fiction as well?

What are you reading right now?

Investment: Reaping Where I Sow

2010-02-28T14:21:00.001-06:00

My alarm went off at 7:10am on a Saturday morning. Uff da. What I won't do for my children to experience new opportunities.

Ella and I had to be at Robbinsdale Middle School by 9am for the 1st Annual Robbinsdale District Wide Spelling Bee. While we were nervously waiting to spell words like "season" and "trumpet," my husband was across town at Maple Grove High School with our other daughter at the Regional Destination Imagination competition.

We checked in at the Spelling Bee and found the room. I think I was more nervous than she was as we waited for the other thirty-seven 2nd graders to arrive and take their seats. With 50 spectators in the room it was crowded and hot. She talked with the boy sitting next to her and patiently waited.

You should probably know that Ella is my fearless child. There's almost nothing she won't try and her exuberance for life has always been a hallmark of her personality. When she was two we visited Mount Rushmore in South Dakota. As we circled the parking lot looking for a place to stop, Ella spied the mountain carved with the presidents' faces. She immediately cried out, "I want to climb that!!!" Enough said. Needless to say she approached this spelling bee with her usual aplomb.

Ella's first word was a breeze, but in the second round she spelled "cartoon," c-a-r-t-o-w-n. The look on her face as she took her seat brought a wave of sadness to my heart. Poor girl, she was really devastated that she was already eliminated. She took it way harder than I had expected. I had no idea it was that important to her. What was worse, I knew we would now have enough time to get over to Maple Grove to watch Hannah in her competition. Something I badly wanted to do for Hannah's sake, but now it seemed like a cruel "punch in the gut" to make Ella come along.

As we left the middle school a McDonald's McFlurry seemed the appropriate consolation prize. Then we drove over to Maple Grove High School and found the DI competition in full swing. Our team was competing at 12:50 in the auditorium. The kids were all "aflutter" and energy was high. We settled into our seats to wait for their performance and I checked on Ella to get a sense of how she was doing emotionally. She seemed to be doing ok, but then she said something that amazed me. "I am soooooo excited for my sister and I wish her good luck!" I knew immediately that she meant it with all her heart.

My own heart skipped a beat and I saw my almost-eight-year-old with new eyes. It seemed to me that she had made a very sudden transition in her ability to set her own emotions aside and focus from another's perspective. As her mother, the beauty I saw in that moment was stunning.

You see, the truth is on most days my children are selfish. Like all of us, really. They tend to see life most often from their individual perspective. From time to time we all get confused by this perspective so that we end up thinking that another person's success somehow diminishes us; or in this case, shines the light more acutely on our own failures. But the truth is another's success, is just that...their success. And my ability to celebrate their success is really what diminishes or expands my personhood.

Ella may not fully understand all of this and she certainly wouldn't have words for it. But on this day she experienced it and she lived it well. The fact that Hannah's team took 3rd place and is advancing to the State DI competition in April makes Ella's selflessness all the more sweet. Later, as we rode home in the car I talked about how I was proud of her. That I felt the spelling bee was worth it, even if she didn't get past round two, because I thought she may have gained some things just from the experience. When I tucked her into bed that night I expressed how that day I had seen her set her own feelings aside and be happy for her sister and that was an amazing gift to be able to give. I told her how I was so proud of who she is, even more than I am proud of what she can do.

It turned out that on this particular Saturday, getting up at 7:10am was entirely worth it. The experience for which I sacrificed my sleep turned out to be one that will likely reap eternal rewards.

Loving Larry

2010-02-24T15:29:00.001-06:00

Last Monday I learned that Larry's mom died over the weekend. Larry is a little boy in my daughter's 2nd grade class. I've heard my daughter mention Larry throughout the year. He is a friend. They talk. They play. They get along well as 2nd grade classmates, tending to the stuff of learning in a public school.

I don't know Larry, nor did I ever get the chance to meet his mom. I know that she died of complications from diabetes. I don't know if her death was sudden and unexpected, or if it was a long decline through an illness that compromised her life with her son. My daughter tells me Larry's parents are divorced and he now lives with his grandma. Maybe he and his mom both lived with grandma? I don't know. There are a lot of things about Larry that I don't know.

Yet there is one unexplainable thing I do know. I have an overwhelming amount of love for Larry. On Monday afternoon when my daughter arrived home from school bearing the sad news, it was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears at the terrible injustice of it. I drove my girls to piano lessons and dropped them off. Returning home, I sat in my living room crying out to God. I wrapped Larry in the arms of a heavenly Father who loves him and will never let go. I was holding in my heart a precious little boy whom I have never met. I have prayed for Larry and his family every few hours since then.

The next day, my friend was going to meet someone to pray so I explained Larry's situation and asked her to pray for him. I tried to explain the overwhelming sadness churning inside me. I felt a bit silly as tears welled in my eyes standing in the hallway at work. With tears in her own eyes, my friend profoundly said, "Maybe no one else is crying for Larry. Maybe some tears need to be shed."

But is shedding tears and praying enough? At first I resigned myself to these acts, as the only ways I could enter into this tragic situation. Even though my heart breaks for them, I don't know this family. I can't think of a single thing that I could actually do that wouldn't seem like a feeble attempt, a meaningless gesture, or worse, an outsider intruding upon private grief. What I do not want to do is to involve myself in order to somehow assuage the emotions that I feel. This is not about me. It feels bigger than me. It feels like God himself has welled up an ocean of loving care inside me for these people I do not know. I don't want to squander that love, it is a gift. A gift meant to be given, not held.

I wonder what it would look like for a teacher and a classroom of families to surround Larry in such a way that he would know he is not alone during this moment in his life. I have no idea how to mobilize that thought into action, but tomorrow evening we have parent/teacher conferences with my daughter's teacher. I hope to at least pose the question. Maybe I don't have to know how...maybe God's Father heart will lead the way.

Learning to Breathe Again ~ Part One

2010-02-15T22:04:00.003-06:00

It has been a long two years.

Two years ago this month I went back to work after being home with my girls for almost 10 years. I like to say that back then, I quit the best job I'd ever had because I got a better offer. The birth of our little girl changed my life in ways I hadn't anticipated (can you ever anticipate it?) and suddenly my priorities were all different.

Almost ten years later (Spring 2008) I was fortunate enough to receive a call from that job asking me to come back and teach again. The timing was right and teaching one class as an adjunct seemed like a good way to re-enter the work world. Nonetheless the learning curve was steep and I had a lot of catching up to do. In the fall I would add a second class. I was starting to feel the balance in my life slipping away.

Later that summer the pastor of our new little church plant went on medical leave for seven months. As the chair of our board I stepped in to do parts of her job until she returned. I poured out so much of myself. I am certain I only survived that period by God's grace. I am equally certain I completely forgot how to breathe during that time.

This past fall I took on a new course for a different department. I was excited about it, but it was very demanding. Anytime you teach a new course you are a mere 12 hours ahead of your students...all semester long. The first time through it is a pressure cooker for sure.

Things that I enjoyed had long since gone by the wayside. I stopped blogging. I stopped reading for pleasure. I stopped gardening (because there was prepping to do in the summer). I stopped having long phone calls with friends or family. There just wasn't time. (Not moaning or whining here, just stating facts.)

Finally, Christmas 2009 came and I had 6 weeks off when I wasn't doing another job or prepping for the next semester. I organized at home a little bit. I read a couple novels. I watched many movies. I spent time with my family. I was home alone during the day for the first time ever as a mom. I noticed I was reveling in the time I spent serving my family. My wonderful husband had picked up much of the slack over the past two years and we somehow managed to not miss a beat. But I had been unable to do the little mom-things that I really do care about. Simple things, but things that help a family feel held together.

This semester is the first semester in five semesters that I am not doing something more or something new. I also switched to teaching Tuesday/Thursdays instead of MWF. This has made a huge difference in the amount of time I have free in the evenings. The more I get done during my days home alone the more time I have to be present to my family during evening hours. (Not to mention every weekend sort of feels like a 3 or 4 day weekend!)

I am learning to breathe again.

Looking back I shudder to realize it was two years of an all out sprint. My life was completely out of balance and there wasn't much I could do about it. There was no margin.

As much as I have enjoyed the reprieve I have to say I am still struggling to find balance. Having 6 weeks with almost nothing required of me I found it difficult to muster the motivation to do some organizing and cleaning I've wanted to get done. I have always known that I am someone who accomplishs more when I have a lot to do. Having nothing to do meant my drive disappeared. Since the spring semester began I have felt a slight correction, but I am still struggling to find my rhythm.

It almost feels like I have too much discretionary time now, but this is not true. Each day has some essential element that I am to give myself to. Some days have several such elements. Sometimes the elements are work, sometimes they are rest, sometimes they are prayer, sometimes they are play, sometimes it is another person. Weighing them and knowing that each must get their due is called balance. Essentially, I have come to the realization that what I really desire is rhythm and balance in my life. It is not good to lean too much one way or another and completely neglect other important pieces. This seems elemental. Yet, I don't think I am alone in this struggle. It has been such a long time since I have had balance that I have forgotten how to live it well.

It is time to re-learn.

"Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?"

2009-04-10T12:30:00.004-05:00

Good Friday...
only in retrospect is that an accurate name for the day Jesus was murdered.

"From noon to three, the whole earth was dark. Around midafternoon Jesus groaned out of the depths, crying loudly, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" which means "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?" (Matthew 27) It could have all ended there. They take him down, put him in the tomb, roll the stone in front of the door, dust off their hands and...that's it. Over. Finished. End of story. When I read the gospel account, I cannot imagine what the Son of God must have been thinking or feeling to acknowledge that God had abandoned him. But I notice there's more to the story. I notice the power that was unleashed in the moments that followed what seemed to be an ending...

"Jesus, again crying out loudly, breathed his last. At that moment, the Temple curtain was ripped in two, top to bottom. There was an earthquake, and rocks were split in pieces. What's more, tombs were opened up, and many bodies of believers asleep in their graves were raised. The captain of the guard and those with him, when they saw the earthquake and everything else that was happening, were scared to death. They said, "This has to be the Son of God!" (again, Matthew 27)

Fast forward two thousand years to a small group of Jesus' followers learning about seeing Jesus in each other and in the stranger. Struggling to acknowledge that the ways of the culture around them leaves them numb at times. Learning to die to themselves, to sacrifice. Calling on God, seeking to listen faithfully for how He would call them to live His life and love in their world. They are beginning to taste the Life of God in their midst. They are beginning to seek ways to give the Life away. Then their pastor is diagnosed with cancer and goes on medical leave.

It could have all ended there. End of story, close the book. A fledgling church with little history, little precedent to follow, few tracks to run on when the engine must return to the roundhouse and the rest of the train is left stranded. This little group could have easily echoed Jesus words, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?"

But that isn't how the story unfolded. Instead a power was unleashed. At first it took hold in a few hearts, but a momentum began to sweep the community. Helping hands worked together to meet needs large and small. The community continued to meet, living into the rhythms that held them together. Often tears filled their eyes as they looked around and felt each other's pain and wondered where was this story going? Where was God taking them? But they moved as God called them - together. They committed themselves to walking through the hard places, to being honest about their fears, to firmly holding onto each others' hands.

From the journal of one member in the early days of that season of Winter: "For the first month I found myself focused on attending to all of the details that ensured we would have a church to go to if we showed up on Sunday night. I likened it to holding an egg. My job was to protect it and care for it, ensuring no harm would befall it, no cracks appear in its surface. But the initial shock is now wearing off. And I am waking up to this: I've been protecting the shell, but not attending to the LIFE inside that shell.

Initially, I think that is a normal reaction. As we focused on what to do and how to do it, it was a way to survival. A way TO it, but not a place to dwell. No, to stay there would be death, not LIFE. Abbey Way has never been about what we do or how we do it. Yes, we have rhythms and practices that we follow. But, they are the shell that holds the LIFE. Indeed, they help us create space for the LIFE that we can encounter as we attend to our relationships with each other and God."

The power of God working among them wasn't as dramatic as torn Temple curtains or earthquakes, but it was deep, working itself out in each individual. God was forming something solid and enduring within the heart of each one who had opened him or herself to the work of God in their lives. God's strength made perfect in weakness - indeed. They attended to the Life...and they were changed.

Seven months passed. The church was still together. Not only still meeting, but beginning to pray in earnest, "Lord, what is our charism? What is the gift you have given us to give to your world? What is the ministry you have been preparing us for?" The pastor returned from leave and it was Spring. Signs of new Life began to appear. More visitors began to come. It was as if God had cloistered them for the season of Winter and now those in the monastery were being asked to re-engage with the community around them. Wake up, those who love God! Your neighbors need you! They looked around and behold, the needs were apparent and they were equipped with open hearts and willing hands.

The story wasn't...isn't over. This little community has walked this season of Lent not as a journey to the cross, they have lived in the dark places of Lent for a very long time. The places of struggle and suffering and dying. This Lent has been a journey to Easter. A journey toward a place of rising again!

Today is Good Friday. In retrospect this little group of followers can look back and praise God that the story didn't end where the world would close the book. The power of God made manifest through His body, The Church, continues to work out the Life of God among them...and through them. That they might turn and give it away. Isn't this so like God? In yet another Great Reverse, God proves His kingdom is not like the kingdoms of this world...that in dying (where the world thinks the story is over) there is actually more Life to be found - and to be lived! "This has to be the Son of God!"

As St. Benedict said, "And so we begin again..."

"But lo! Here you are; you rescue us from our wretched meanderings and establish us on your way; you console us and bid us, 'Run: I will carry you, I will lead you and I will bring you home.' " -St Augustine

This year, the faith community of Abbey Way knows the joy of rising again in a deeper way...Praising God with full hearts this Easter and waiting to see what God will do next!

Thoughts on Community: An Interview with J. Vanier and S. Hauerwas by J.W. Hartgrove

2009-03-28T10:09:00.003-05:00

Jean Vanier, a Catholic lay leader, is the founder of L'Arche, an international network of Christian communities where people with and without disabilities share life together in a sprit of mutual dependence. Stanley Hauerwas, an Epicopalian named "America's Best Theologian" by Time magazine, is a professor of theological ethics at Duke University. In partnership with Duke's Center for Reconciliation, Vanier and Hauerwas recently published Living Gently in a Violent World: The Prophetic Witness of Weakness (IVP, 2008). In November 2008, they sat down in Durahm, North Carolina, to talk about community, justice, and the "politics of gentleness" with Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove. Wilson-Hartgrove, lives at Rutba House, a new monastic community in Durham, and also teaches at Duke. The following is an excerpt of that conversation.

Wilson-Hartgrove: You write in Living Gently in a Violent World about the gap between the so-called "normal" world and the world of peole who have been unjustly pushed to the margins. How can responding to that gap draw people into community?

Vanier: It's easier to say why the gap exists. The gap is created by fear. The gap is what pushes us to create bigger gaps. You feel lost in front of the one who is different because you don't know his language, you don't know how to respond, you don't know if you'll be accepted.

But what breaks down the fear? That is the big question: What creates transformation? We meet someone. St. Francis said he always held lepers in repulsion. The one day the Lord led him to the lepers. He said, "When I left them I had a new gentleness in my body and in my spirit. From then on, I wanted to follow the Lord." When you meet the leper and you listen to him, you realize that he's just a human being. From very deep inside of one, there arises a compassion for life.

Wilson-Hartgrove: You say, "All we're doing is making a place to meet." But Stanley comes along and says, "This is politics. This has something to say to the church." Let me ask you, Stanley, what does L'Arche have to say to the church?

Hauwerwas: It is the church. It's very hard to know in our time what Christianity might look like. We're in a transition time. As Christianity loses it's power, it's hard for us to imagine what it might entail. L'Arche helps us get a glimpse of what theh future of Christiantiy might look like.

Wilson-Hartgrove: Stanley, you write that L'Arche is not a solution but a sign. When so mnay people want solutions, why do we need signs?

Hauerwas: Because we're Christians. Christianity is fundamentally a sign that enables you to live when you know no solution. Solutions will always kill people. So we need signs that are witnesses to help us know we're not abandoned. That's a politics. It challenges the politics of power which says, "I need to do a violent act now in order to achieve peace in the future" There is no peace in the future through violence.

Wilson-Hartgrove: Jean, after having lived in Christian community for much of your life now, how would you describe an ecclesial vision for community?

Vanier: It's essentially communion. People with serious handicaps who've been rejected can only grow to greater fulfillment if they know they're loved. There's a difference betweeen doing things for people out of generosity and being with people. The whole reality of L'Arche is to enter into relationship and become vulnerable. There's not an end or a goal that we're seeking. It's about the creation of a place where we can rejoice in our humanity because we've been bonded together.

We're not just having a good time. Our life has a meaning. That's why we really need people like Stanley. When he says, "It is the church," we need to help our L'Arche assistants see what he means. Theologian David Ford said to us some years ago, "If you don't have a good theology, your spirituality will peter out."

(reprinted here from Soujourners magazine April 2009 edition)

Echos

2009-03-05T09:51:00.002-06:00

"With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation’s wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan – to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations."

Sounds like it could have been said today, doesn't it?

It was Abraham Lincoln in 1865 at the end of the Civil War, our country's worst political crisis.

New Year's Greetings!

2008-12-26T21:45:00.000-06:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

The Big 4-0 in the Big Apple

2008-11-28T12:01:00.004-06:00

Celebrating my 40th birthday this year meant doing something special. So, Hannah and I took a trip to NYC. We stayed with a friend in the Bronx, visited Central Park, FAO Schwartz, American Girl Place, Times Square, saw a play on Broadway, had the most AMAZING chocolate in SoHo and the moment of truth: I turned 40 while high atop the Empire State Building. It was a good birthday, sweet time with my girl and a much needed break.

My Prayer Today

2008-10-17T08:56:00.003-05:00

God grant us the wisdom to discover the right,

the will to do it,

and the strength to make it endure. Amen.

- from First Knight, 1995

A Gentle Wisdom ~ The Power of a Vowed Life

2008-10-12T01:56:00.004-05:00

"In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I,________, promise perpetually, stability in this community, obedience and fidelity to the monastic way of life (conversion of life) according to the Rule of Saint Benedict and the Constitution and Statutes of this community; this before God and his Saints, and in the presence of the Right Reverend _______, abbot of this monastery, and of its monks."

Stability

Obedience

Conversion of Life or Transformation

A person who joins a Benedictine monastic order makes three vows. Only three. But like the proverbial three-legged stool, these three together make a whole. Two without the third would be something else entirely, for these three vows work together to shape an individual profoundly, continuously drawing out the life of Christ within.

In my experience and understanding of these three vows, stability seems to be the soil in which the other two committments can grow and flourish. Stability in life can be seen in many forms. Outwardly manifested it may be stability of place. A committment to remain in a geographic area, or within a particular community, among and connected to a certain group of people.

Stability of place becomes a deep grounding for an individual. If someone is committed for "the long haul" there is no turning away when things get difficult. A committment to stay means a willingness to engage with others and work out the challenges that rise to the surface in relationships. A fully professed monastic cannot walk away from the monastery because of a rift in the community. The individual stays, and for the good of their own soul, as well as the good of the larger whole, they work for peace and harmony in the place God has called them to.

This staying, is of course a way of walking out the vow of obedience as well. Of course a monastic could walk out the door of their community. No one will lock the door and force them to stay. But when they made their vows they professed obedience, or placed themselves under the direction of their abbott or abbess. They were submitting their will to a higher authority. This kind of submission is a rarity in our modern world. Why would someone make a vow of obedience? Because of a belief that the submission of their individual will would allow space for things that need to happen for the good of the greater whole, the good of the community. Because what is good for the community is also good for the individual. It is the antithesis of the modern t-shirt or bumper sticker that declares "It's all about me."

Ultimately, this submission is not just the relinquishing of an individual will in order to follow the will of a higher earthly authority. There is an understanding within monastic communities that the one in authority is also submitting their will to the will of God. The earthly authority is bound by their own vow of obedience to listen well and discern with an open heart what is best and right for the community. Which is intimately connected with where God is calling the community to live out his kingdom values engaged with the world. Within a community, both the one in authority as well as the individuals experience obedience to something higher than themselves as a place of profound character transformation.

Indeed, when stability and obedience work together transformation occurs that shapes the individual into one becoming more like Christ. (Incidentally, Christ committed himself to stability of place - he became earth-bound for our sakes. He also committed himself to obedience - to the will of the Father.) Life with Christ has always been about transformation. It is putting off the old self and putting on Christ. The vow of transformation is necessary because it is the putting off of the old that is so difficult. One must continuously set aside thoughts, actions and deeds that are in conflict with the Life of Christ within. So even though stability and obedience can together foster transformation, so too can transformation foster obedience, or obedience foster stability, or...you see, the three work in harmony. A vow to live out all three creates a unique opportunity to live with full awareness all the ways that God is continually calling "further up, and further in." (CS Lewis)

The power of the vowed life is a most gentle wisdom that draws the life of Christ from within the individual. For what purpose? To what end? That each one will fully realize the Life that Christ died to bring, and to enlarge the capacity to give away that Life for the sake of a weary world.

The Now and the Not Yet

2008-08-17T23:53:00.004-05:00

This is not the post that was forming in my brain...stay tuned, that one will probably be posted in October sometime. I began this post exactly a month ago. But I've been unable to finish it, not feeling released to do so. Until now. This is a story that comes from the heart of our community at Abbey Way Covenant Church.

The summer began at Abbey Way with a focus on listening to God. We intentionally set aside time in our Sunday gatherings to practice listening to God together. We carefully listened to the lectionary texts for the current week and asked what word or phrase from this scripture passage draws us? Where do we sense an invitation from God? We also participated in intergenerational activities that focused on the same text; a prayer walk, a unity quilt - noticing how the children among us engaged with the scripture. We have often been amazed as together we have heard God speak...a larger picture is formed as each one adds what calls for their individual attention.

God has our attention now. In the space of a couple of short weeks in late July 3 very traumatic events affected the life of our community, including our pastor being diagnosed with cancer. That diagnosis is a reality that is difficult, even now, to face in stark black and white as I see it on my screen. Two years into our journey together as a new church it seems unthinkable that our pastor would need to take a medical leave. It seems unfair. It makes me angry and sad all at the same time. But it also calls to me...'further up and further in.' (C.S. Lewis)

We have been working out the definition of this thing called community. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say we have been living out the definition of this thing called community. We have sought to live out the gospel in concrete ways, having more patience and grace for one another. Seeing the other as Christ. Setting our selves aside for the greater good. Serving one another. What we have intentionally practiced together, having committed ourselves to common values, is now being called to life. Wake up oh sleepers! Wake up!

In the ensuing weeks since Jan began her leave on August 6th we have all had to take on more. The reality is that it takes a lot of attention to detail to run a new church plant. Fortunately, there are many dear people willing to attend to those details with me. It has been 5 weeks of stepping in to help cover the myriad of responsiblities that formed Jan's role in our church, and yet just now I am waking up to a fundamental truth.

When Jan first shared her diagnosis our community went into an initial shell-shocked crisis mode. For the first month I found myself focused on attending to all of the details that ensured we would have a church to go to if we showed up on Sunday night. I likened it to holding an egg. My job was to protect it and care for it, ensuring no harm would befall it, no cracks appear in its surface. But the initial shock is now wearing off. And I am waking up to this: I've been protecting the shell, but not attending to the LIFE inside that shell.

Initially, I think that is a normal reaction. As we focused on what to do and how to do it, it was a way to survival. A way TO it, but not a place to dwell. No, to stay there would be death, not LIFE. Abbey Way has never been about what we do or how we do it. Yes, we have rhythms and practices that we follow. But, they are the shell that holds the LIFE. Indeed, they help us create space for the LIFE that we can encounter as we attend to our relationships with each other and God.

So, I can now feel myself turning. Turning to look forward again. Where are you leading us now God? What have you given us to hold and to carry forward in this season together? How would you have us attend to the precious LIFE that you died to give us? How can we hold tightly to you and trust you to teach us how to walk forward in this LIFE?

"And so we begin again..."

"But lo! Here you are; you rescue us from our wretched meanderings and establish us on your way; you console us and bid us, 'Run: I will carry you, I will lead you and I will bring you home.' " -St Augustine

More ponderings of the abbey Way...What is missional?

2008-07-10T00:01:00.004-05:00

"Missional" seems to be a buzz word in certain evangelical circles, but it is important to note that missional is not the same as mission-minded. Mission-minded speaks to me of an awareness that there is still a need to reach people with the gospel and bring them into the church. Good? True? Yes. Mission programs within the church develop awareness within congregations and support full-time in-the-field missionaries while occassionally sending a short term team or one of the congregation to reach the unchurched.

Here is the divergence; a missional person/church is not only mission-minded, but seeks to live out that mission in an incarnational way. As one missional author writes, "To be incarnational is to spend most of one's time and ministry outside the four walls of a church building, inhabiting a neighborhood learning who they are, what they do and where the spiritual/holistic needs are." This perspective holds that going forth and BEING the gospel, or the good news, is the way of reaching the unchurched. It does not hold a presupposition that unchurched people will be drawn into the church by programs or attractional factors.

What, then, do missional churches look like? These defining characteristics suggested by Ed Stetzer were helpful to me:

Incarnational: Missional churches are deeply connected to the community. The church is not focused on its facility, but is focused on living, demonstrating, and offering biblical community to a lost world, an incarnation of the Gospel in an unreached community.

Indigenous: Missional churches are indigenous. Churches that are indigenous have taken root in the soil and reflect, to some degree, the culture of their community.

Intentional. Missional churches are intentional about their methodologies. There are scripturally commanded requirements about church, preaching, discipline, baptism and many other biblical practices. Church and worship can't take just any form. In missional churches, those biblical forms are central, but things like worship style, evangelism methods, attire, service times, locations, and many other man-made customs are not chosen simply based on the preference of the members. Instead, the forms are best determined by their effectiveness in a specific cultural context.

OK, let me get practical...what does missional mean in MY life???

When I look back on my individual faith journey there is a moment when I knew I was hearing an evangelistic call from God. But it took many years of listening and watching for God to discern the fullness of that call. In the beginning I thought it was a call to "Missions" as in overseas, third world, behind the iron curtain, all that - so I attended Urbana '87 the missions conference in Illinois. Then I discovered the term "home missionary" and thought that might be the call - so I raised financial support to work in a parachurch organization. After leaving that job I followed God some more until I recognized that the call was actually to be who I was in Christ, bringing the good news with me, wherever I landed. The truth was, it didn't really matter where I landed. There was always someone who was hurting, someone in need of knowing they are loved unconditionally, someone desperately seeking something bigger than themselves and it was the Life and Love of God incarnate in me that was with those people in those places. When I recognized the fullness of this call I became a missional person.

One thing I have learned about being a missional person is that missional people are not often satisfied hanging around with only church people. Don't get me wrong, most of the church people I know are great and I love they way they 'spur me on to love and good deeds' (Heb. 10:24). But as a missional person, if all I do is hang around with church people I start to get a little distracted after awhile. I feel like I'm having a party and there are some folks I forgot to invite...so the party becomes less important and I feel like I need to go out and find the friends I forgot.

And maybe, when I find them, they aren't in the mood for a party. Or, they don't like parties. Or they have lots of assumptions about the kind of people I party with. So, instead of bringing them to the party I decide to just stay and hang out with them. We do whatever they want to do. Or maybe I babysit their kid so they can run to the store. Or I invite them over for dinner when it will be just me and them. Whatever, it doesn't matter. They know that I want to be with them and that's the real reason I left the party to find them. They know they matter to me.

And do you know why they matter to me? Because they matter to Jesus.

And it was Jesus who left the party to find me.

How to describe the abbey Way? or What is new monasticism?

2008-07-08T00:51:00.007-05:00

Abbey Way Covenant Church is the faith community our family is a part of, the following comes from the Abbey Way website.

"We at Abbey Way seek to be inclusive in community with all generations, including children. We believe children are an integral part of a faith community and can help adults to remember the paths to silence, story, wonder and awe which keep our faith alive, fresh and vital. We believe all ages can walk those paths together, hand in hand.

From the beginning of our Sunday evening gathering the children are integrated with the adults in our gathering prayer and common meal. They are valued as contributers to our life together, helping out as they are able with set up, clean up and caring for younger children. They regularly add significance to our dialogue by asking probing questions and giving insightful comments. When we pray, they readily extend their hands in blessing. Keeping us focused on what is real and present, the children add a connective realism to our Sunday gathering (and other times we meet) which is not found in most other church experiences. From the place of childhood innocence, the children in the community are well received as important and essential to who we are as church."

We have been on a journey as Abbey Way for almost 2 years now. Being with other people's children has become such a natural part of my experience of church and community that I have come to see these little ones (and even the big ones!) as if they were my own children - and indeed they are. They are the collective children in my life, much like neices or nephews, I care about them; deeply. How is this possible? I chose to open my heart, my eyes, my hands and my ears to these precious ones and to see each one as significant in my life. They have taught me and lead me at times. I have gone with them to places that God wanted to show me. Places that God used to change me.

This past weekend I was away from these dear ones and instead present to my flesh-and-blood nephews and neice. As I interacted with the children who are part of the family I married into I was suddenly surprised. I found myself present to them and interested in them in a different way. Not that I haven't always loved these children, but I recognized something new in myself that I knew from somewhere else. Where was it from?

Ah - yes! My attitude and openess toward my nephews and neice matched the attentiveness I hold when I interact with "my children" at Abbey Way! The rhythm and discipline of continuing to be open to my Abbey Way children had transformed a part of me in such a fundamental way that it has become a conditioned response when I am in the presence of children. I see them differently. I hear what they say. I am present to the potential they hold...really seeing the Other.

It seems to be a small thing, this change in me. But it is not. It is a testament to the power of consistently submitting oneself to a Way. In this instance it is a Way of Being with Another. But there are so many other Ways in which such a transformation is possible. How about A Way of Worship? or A Way of Listening to Another? or A Way of Giving? A Way of Seeing Creation? A Way of Living Sacrifically? A Way of Living Openness? A Way of Loving? the list goes on.

It seems to me there are many Ways to be learned as one follows after Jesus. I have begun to experience the value of learning these ways by being invested in a community. It begins with openness to a community value, then I practice the discipline of living into that value within the community. Ultimately the value becomes integrated with the rest of my life - not just in words or ideas, but in action. Then, when natural opportunities arise to live that value, it is not put on, but actually lived out. When the value comes from the life of Christ, it is The Life lived out. It is The Church...being The Church.

There is no doubt in my mind or heart that Jesus continues to transform me through my commitment to Abbey Way. Through the rhythms and practices of this church following in the footsteps of monastic communities who have gone before...He is changing me. What does that mean? It means that from here forward I walk into the world a little more like Jesus. Not just knowing more about Jesus, or how He would desire me to live, but actually being more like Him. And living it. The Life I am learning to live cannot help but spill forth into the world beyond our little community - transforming all who connect with that Life. Transforming all who would dare to be open to it.

How to Love Another

2008-06-23T21:38:00.001-05:00

To love another as a person we must begin by granting him his own autonomy and identity as a person. We have to love him for what he is in himself, and not for what he is to us. We have to love him for his own good, not for the good we get out of him. And this is impossible unless we are capable of a love which 'transforms' us, so to speak, into the other person, making us able to see things as he sees them, love what he loves, experience the deeper realities of his own life as if they were our own. Without sacrifice, such a transformation is utterly impossible. But unless we are capable of this kind of transformation 'into the other' while remaining ourselves, we are not yet capable of a fully human existence.

Source: Disputed Questions
Thomas Merton

Eggs, Bicycles, A Train Ride and the Hand of God

2008-05-31T21:24:00.007-05:00

Yes, I'm back.
The semester is over and I survived homeschooling and teaching college - at the same time. I submitted my final grades on Wednesday morning and since then I've been waking up to the fact that I've been more "checked out" than I thought I was. At least I am suddenly WAY MORE PRESENT to my real life than I feel like I have been for a long time. While that saddens me on this end of the semester, I'm not sure how I could have managed anything differently while I was going through it. One thing I know, I have already been asking God to help our family BE MORE PRESENT TO one another this summer. Today was a good beginning.

I woke up around 8:15am - early for me on a Saturday. But I told my husband last night that I was planning to exercise in the morning (need to start back on the exercise plan that got woefully sidetracked this semester) so I was up and dressed and biking to the Bunny Mart for eggs and milk for our empty fridge. I dropped off the goods and proceeded to bike down the parkway near our house and then back up, taking a good hour. Wow, it felt fantastic to feel my muscles burn on the hills! It was a feeling that reminded me that I have a body too, not just an overworked mind.

Almost by chance (and a "free" Saturday) we ended up in Osceola, Wisconsin by 2pm. There we rode the Osceola and St. Croix Valley Railway in a 1920's passenger car. The weather was amazing as we rode along gently swaying over the 10 mile journey (which took 45 minutes!) and then watched the 50 year old engine roll by our car on another track, only to hook up and take us back up the St. Croix River bluff. An interesting surprise happened when we arrived at the depot and parked our car. Getting out we discovered the car next to us belonged to some friends of friends who live in Atlanta! We share a goddaughter. So we enjoyed the time on the train getting to know them better. I'm still wondering about God's reasons and timing in that one...

After our train ride we drove to the not-so-sleepy-but-everyone's-favorite-river-town, Stillwater. We were looking for someplace to eat dinner outside and knew that Stillwater had just the place. We ate dinner on the deck of the Freighthouse, where we watched the liftbridge go up to let the paddleboat go under it. The food was good, the weather was great and the company was divine! Just as we paid our bill we learned there was severe weather on the way, again. We drove home listening to the weather in the car and watching the massive clouds passing over St.Paul.

Later, as I was putting the girls to bed the sky turned that eerie green color, so I turned on WCCO 830AM as any good Minnesotan does when that happens. I learned we were not in any immediate danger, but I also learned there had been funnel clouds spotted in Forest Lake and Stillwater earlier - two places we'd been this afternooon. The crazy storm pattern bounced all over the metro area with hail, high winds and some funnel shaped clouds, yet we drove home on slightly damp roads and I kept moving the visor to shade my eyes from the sun. As the girls and I prayed before bed I was suddenly very aware of God's protection on this day. We had a perfect day by all accounts. We wandered here and there on a non-linear path, and yet we avoided the severe weather that was literally happening all around us.

I started out this morning with not much more of a goal than getting some eggs for the breakfast table. I end my day contemplating the mysteries I lived today. Why did we run into those friends? Why did we safely avoid the severe weather? Maybe the answers are not really as important as the fact that I was PRESENT to each situation and to the people around me. I end my day grateful, on so many levels. Today was a day well lived.

100 Years

2008-04-27T02:01:00.004-05:00

I heard this song for the first time tonight. Honestly, it makes me cry and it stirs my soul and it brings great joy bubbling to the surface. It has been a long time since I have fallen so in love with a song.

I think what it does for me is that it captures the entire span of my own life in 4 minutes, but it also allows me to recall faces and names of those I know, and many I love, who are at all the different ages in the song. It makes me so grateful.

My life is so rich in relationships...true relationships and connections that span the decades and life stages. From sweet 8 month old Avi, to my own dear girls at 6 and 9, my 19 year old students, my lifelong friends/peers from high school, the dear ones just ahead of me in mid-life, my parents, all the way to my 93 year old grandpa who left this earth last November. (I still miss him immensely.) I am so grateful. I pray I live to be 99, dying for just one more moment to spend with all of you. I've never wanted to live that long before, but with all of you around, how could I not???

So, here are the lyrics, but if you have a way to listen, I highly recommend it. The melody is so poignant and yet so full of joy. Beautiful.

One Hundred Years to Live
I’m fifteen for a moment.
Caught in between ten and twenty
and I’m just dreaming,
counting the ways to where you are.

I’m twenty-two for a moment
and she feels better than ever
and we’re on fire,
making our way back from Mars.

Fifteen, there’s still time for you.
Time to buy and time to lose.
Fifteen.
There’s never a wish better than this,
When you only got a hundred years to live.

I’m thirty-three for a moment.
I’m still the man,
but you see I’m a they.
A kid on the way, babe.
A family on my mind.

I’m forty-five for a moment.
The sea is high
and I’m heading into a crisis,
chasing the years of my life.

Fifteen, there’s still time for you.
Time to buy and time to lose yourself within a morning star.
Fifteen, I’m alright with you.
Fifteen.
There’s never a wish better than this,
When you only got a hundred years to live.

How the time goes by.
Suddenly, you’re wise.
Another blink of an eye, sixty-seven is gone.
The sun is getting high.
We’re moving on…

I’m nintey-nine for a moment.
Dying for just another moment
and I’m just dreaming,
counting the ways to where you are.

Fifteen, there’s still time for you.
Twenty-Two, I feel her, too.
Thirty-Three, you’re on your way.
Every day’s a new day…

Fifteen, there’s still time for you.
Time to buy and time to choose.
Hey, fifteen.
There’s never a wish better than this,
when you only got a hundred years to live.

by Five for Fighting

A Weekend at The Abbey

2008-04-07T23:12:00.008-05:00

The women of Abbey Way (all but 3) were on retreat two weekends ago. We stayed in the Guesthouse at St. John's Abbey near Collegeville, MN.

We ate wonderful food, that we didn't have to cook.
We prayed The Hours with the monks.
We laughed.
We listened for God.
We enjoyed the pottery and the bookstore.
We slept.
We were vulnerable.
We took long walks...on a frozen lake.
We spent time in silence.
We got in touch with our creative selves.
We took inventory of our treasures.
We spent time resting.
We looked at scripture together.
We talked parenting.
We shared our hearts.
We prayed for one another.
We laughed some more.

We took great leaps toward continuing to become one as Jesus prayed for his disciples.

Richard

2008-03-20T11:41:00.004-05:00

Sixteen years ago today my father-in-law was killed almost instantly in a car accident on Hwy 12 in rural Minnesota. It was a tragedy that changed all of our lives. To honor his memory today, here are a few things I liked about Richard - gleened from 5 short years of knowing him.

I like that he liked to help people.

I like that it was important to him that I should drive his big tractor.

I like that he liked to do the dishes.

I like that he worked hard but knew how to nap.

I like that I knew he liked me.

I like that I knew he loved being a dad.

I like that he supported his kids in their choices for their lives.

I like that being on the school board and helping at church revealed his commitment to his community.

I like that he farmed with his dad and his brother.

I like that he knew Jesus and I have no difficulty picturing him in heaven.

I like that he was a strong man who knew what he believed.

I like that he passed so much of himself on to my husband.

I like that I know he would have been a darling grandpa to my girls because I saw how he loved his first grandchild.

I like that he wrote us letters by hand and I would still recognize his handwriting anywhere.

I like that I knew him well enough that it still hurts when I miss him.

Everyday Thinking

2008-03-18T20:29:00.004-05:00

I have a little cutting from an article I read a long time ago taped above the water dispenser on our fridge. I read it several times a day. It serves as a reminder of the way Jesus asks me to parent. I need this reminder on a constant basis. I offer it here for your consideration, and I am sorry to say, I cannot acknowledge my source except to say I think it is from Christian Parenting magazine.

"In the end, we may wonder Why bother? I'll just shield my kids from all this stuff and surround them with Christian influences. But that's not the option Christ gave us. 'We can be pious and separate ourselves or live in the world but barely touch it,' Manikas-Foster says. 'Or, we can be in the middle of things the way Jesus was.' Only then can our children not only be filters of culture, but people who change lives. Eternally."

It sure takes a lot more intention and parenting skills to be in the middle of things. Sometimes I've even felt like Abraham, laying Isaac on the altar. But then, God did nothing less than offer His Son to make a difference in the world. If I am a true Follower, shouldn't I do the same?

Life is Good

2008-03-10T11:15:00.005-05:00

I've been reading Liz's personal blog for over two years. She's a fabulous writer. She somehow manages to be vulnerable, funny and honest all at the same time.

Her post on Parenting.com last week could have been written by me. Not because my writing compares, but because in many ways Liz's once-upon-a-time-drive to realize a calling and set goals to achieve it mirrors my own. My desire to change the world hasn't changed one iota, my focus for how to make it happen is continuously being reshaped. Each year it looks a little different. (Maybe that's a big part of what growing up is all about.)

All things considered, the most important point of similarity between Liz and I lies in the fact that on this day we are both content with life where we have found it, or rather where it has found us. Life is full and rich, if not at all what we had once imagined.

Big dreams? Yes.
Someday? Maybe.
And right now? Just this...life is good.

Documentation Gone Wrong - or Never There in the First Place

2008-03-05T03:15:00.004-06:00

This Friday we're discussing plagiarism in class. I'm curious, what do you think my students should know?

1989 to 2008

2008-02-24T11:50:00.004-06:00

1989 - I was a bright-eyed, idealistic college student and it was the summer between my junior and senior year. I lived in Syracuse, NY that summer with extended family. It was an opportunity to experience a new place and spread my wings a bit, since I went to college a half hour from home. I worked 3 jobs that summer (and took a required biology class).

One of my employers was NYPIRG. New York Public Interest Research Group "is New York state’s largest research and advocacy non-profit organization primarily focused on environmental preservation, consumer protection, government reform and public health issues" (from their website www.nypirg.org).

I worked canvassing door-to-door informing the fine residents of Syracuse of current concerns that should be on their radar, asking them to sign petitions and to financially support NYPIRG. I lasted just 2 weeks. It was hot walking the suburban streets and I was a little nervous as a lone female in unfamiliar neighborhoods. But the experience did open my eyes to a wider world of social justice concerns and the possiblities that can be created when people come together to work for the common good.

Why am I traveling down this memory lane today? The organization PIRG, and specifically, NYPIRG came to be as a result of the encouragement and vision of Ralph Nadar in the early 1970s. Today he announced on NBC's Meet the Press that he is campaigning for the presidency in 2008. So far in this campaign there hasn't been a candidate who has earned my endorsement. I might have to think about this... Watch out though, it was ten years ago this year that I voted for Jesse the Body (I mean, The Mind). I can't say I liked where his Governorship ended up, but at least it was a few years of something different.

Wisdom from a Celtic Saint

2008-02-13T21:09:00.005-06:00

I first encountered the Northumbria Community (see sidebar for link) at a significant point in my spiritual journey 10 years ago. Today I am a member - allbeit a member of a widely dispersed community - and part of developing the Community's presence here in the USA. I asked Roy Searle if I could republish his article here because with a prophetic voice, it precisely describes what I believe God is calling His Church to in this age.

I often find myself in a liminal place regarding the Church (universal). I love the Church and yet am saddened and very concerned for the ways we Evangelicals often miss the mark and are tuned out to the cries in our culture. Because of this I deeply resonate with Roy's description of the Church in exile...and God calling us back to himself. See if you don't agree...

CAIM - The Northumbria Community Newsletter
winter 2007
in this article Roy Searle continues his ‘Spiritual Formation series’

It was one of those rare experiences for me, and its methodology I would never recommend. I was beginning to prepare to speak at a city church in Belfast on the last Sunday before we returned home to Northumberland.

I knew little about the church, except for what I had gleaned in conversation from my friends Ken & Claire. Asking that God might direct my thoughts, I picked up my Bible and it fell open – to a blank page between the Old Testament book of Malachi and the New Testament Gospel of Matthew. Nothing there – here was my text! There’d been nothing; no word from the Lord, no comfort from the priests, no challenge from the prophets – nothing. The people of God were in exile, and what was once coherent and meaningful was being deconstructed, and no longer seemed relevant. Whilst the religious leaders of the day tried to speak peace where there was no peace (Jeremiah 6:14) Isaiah, Ezekiel and Jeremiah ‘defined reality’ and urged people to return and seek God, and to ask the question ‘How do we sing the Lord’s song in a strange land?’ It was a time when their known world and all the familiar props and symbols which held life and faith together were removed.

Everything within me, and all that I’ve witnessed throughout my 27 years in ministry, confirms in me a belief that revival is not around the corner (even those heady, exciting days of charismatic renewal and Wimber Wonderland and things going bump in the evening services!). However many praise songs we sing, exhortations we hear, (which hold about as much promise for the future as the Titanic did on its maiden voyage) and prayer meetings where “if my people…” is quoted out of context, I’m convinced that God is preparing the church for exile, not revival, in the West.

Why would God put the church in exile? To call us back to himself, to take us to that place and experience where God delivers us from those things that have led us away from him and his ways, in order to prepare us, as Walter Brueggemann states, for finding a new way to be human in the world.

As we ask the question ‘How then shall we live?’, we need courage as we journey into the new things that God desires to do among us, moving us beyond what is now redundant as a way of living, and informing our faith in a changing post-Christendom culture. Courage to embrace that call to Risky living; to break free from the shackles of old ways (that were not ‘wrong’, and were no doubt helpful and appropriate for a former age – but which have become religious systems, traditions and sub-cultures) that lock people into vested interests, power plays and being controlled by others whose lives are governed more by fear than faith, and insecurity more than stability.

Courage and humility to acknowledge our need of God, and a willingness to grieve for the things that we’ve lost or become. A weeping for the state of our own hearts, and the waywardness of our own lives, and of the church, and of our exploitative and pervasive consumer culture that blinds us to the values of God’s kingdom and the cries of the poor.

Courage to recognize where we’ve made God in our own image or where we’ve assumed God is with us. We would be as shocked as were the people in Ezekiel’s day, when in their assumption that god is with them in the temple, he clears off! Such a distorted image had the people of God made of the one, true, living God that he leaves them! It’s as though God didn’t recognize himself in the images, the messages and the ways in which his people portrayed him, so he cuts himself off from them. Devastating, yet in the experience of being abandoned is the necessary relinquishing of the old and the learning to live with ‘uncertainty yet hope’ for the future. Exile is a call to wait and wonder, to listen and discern where newness will come from. And it requires courage to live with more questions than answers, more mystery than certainty. It would be far easier to resort to a religious fundamentalism that holds on desperately, with the language of conviction to that which seems certain, (and is surely unquestionable). And it’s very understandable, for when we feel insecure and face change, our ‘default mode’ is to hold onto what is steadfast and sure – but that is not the purpose of God leading us into exile, for it hinders our ability to see what the Spirit of God is doing in putting us through such experiences, and preparing us for the new.

The empty page from Malachi to Matthew was just one long season of waiting. Yet in the waiting, in facing reality, in accepting the loss of known and old ways, came the imagining of something new.

Read on into the gospel and you discover that God is dong something extraordinarily new. He’s not in the temple, but in the stable. Not among the religious, but among the ordinary folks, the poor, the sick, the marginalized. In that inter-testamental period of exile, the false images of God portrayed by the religious leaders were dismantled. In their place came the discovery that God is not a vengeful, untouchable, judgmental figure whose pleasure came through punishing, who wasn’t tribal or nationalistic – but rather the true image of God seen in Jesus, full of compassion and love, who exercises his ministry with servanthood not power. One who comes not with might and control, but someone who embraces availability and vulnerability.

As we seek God, ask how we sing his song in a strange land and explore what it means to live as disciples of Christ in the 21st century, so we in our exile must wait and reflect, and allow creativity and newness to emerge. Look for signs of the kingdom in unexpected places, and ways. Look for the kingdom in the streets, see beyond the confines of religious sub-cultures who are desperately hanging in on survival mode, or looking for revival that blinds the seeker from seeing the new things that God is doing among us. As in that first Advent, it was not in the Royal Courts, the religious circles the Temple celebrations, but in the out-of-the-way places among the marginalized people that God’s presence was known. Out of the waiting, silence apparent nothingness. Out of what was quite ordinary, God came and hope was born, and a new way of being a disciple emerged.

As we enter a New Year may we do so with the knowledge of God’s love and compassion, his grace and goodness and desire to lead us in exile to a place of returning, renewing and re-imagining. To a place of genuine newness and the living out of a Christian spirituality that reflects more truly His heart and values. Spiritual formation is all about these things, and the shaping of our hearts and lives in that transforming process, which helps us to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love our neighbors as we love ourselves – to embrace and live out our call to availability and vulnerability. This is the new monasticism, the journey of faith, which we are called to in exile.

"the slow work of God..."

2008-02-04T23:05:00.000-06:00

"Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We woud like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way
to something unknown, something new...
Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you..."

- Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

I read this and it reminded me so much of Abbey Way...

Irony

2008-01-26T02:31:00.001-06:00

OK, maybe the image is a bit dramatic.

I really enjoy this blog. It has truly been a place where I have been able to pause and reflect on where I am hearing God - and that has been a gift. It has also been good to discover what I am thinking by crafting the words into coherent paragraphs. It has solidified things for me at times. I have also seen God continue to develop many of the ideas I've written about here in other parts of my life. But as the rythmns of my life have ebbed and flowed I've gradually been posting less often. Now I'm afraid that it might dry up altogether.

In a little over a week I am going back to my old job. After 8 1/2 years at home I'll be back in the college classroom teaching students about writing. Ironically, the job that gets me excited - helping others to learn to find their voice and discover what they think and how to communicate it - will likely eat into my own freetime to do some of the very things I will be teaching.

I really hope it won't be so. But I've been a little out of the loop for awhile and I have a lot of catching up to do. Plus, I will still be juggling all the other aspects of our family's life. So, I wanted to let you know, if I seem rather quiet...well, I'll be working hard doing something else I love.

See you around...

A Psalm

2008-01-21T17:56:00.000-06:00

I sat on the beach in the faded sunset. To my left the lighthouse on the end of the island blinked goodnight. Across the causeway the lights of a city twinkled prettily. Immediately in front of me an anchored fishing vessel's deck lights shown brightly in the growing dimness. To my right marched a long line of condos filled with blinking televisions. It all ended in the subtle orange glow that tinged the furthest edge of the western sky.

Water, earth and sky.

And God was everywhere.

Life is funny...Facebook is even more so

2008-01-04T23:16:00.000-06:00

I'm totally blaming my pastor. She got me roped into Facebook. (For the record, she was also the one who inspired me to head down the blog path.)

So I've been on Facebook for awhile now, maybe even close to a year. It took me 6 months to even begin to discover the never ending stream of applications one can add to one's Facebook account. Really, it is too much of a good thing. But, it's been fun. And in reality, it has worked the way it was designed to...I've add to my "Friends" list several folks I haven't connected with in a long time, as well as a list of folks I don't connect with regularly, and another whole group who live in lands far, far away. It is no substitute for real relationships, but it has been fun to get "poked" or "throw an elf at" or even read an actual update regarding some friend who is going about their day somewhere else. (Say nothing of the opportunity to score "bingos" against my friends in a game of Scrabulous!)

Today I learned about "Twittering."

I have a Facebook "Friend" who is a church planter in Denver, CO. He's actually a friend I graduated from college with. He's a riot...full-of-energy-former-youth-pastor-kind-of-guy. I've gotten regular Facebook updates about him lately that begin "Mark is twittering..." and go on to give a brief phrase that seems to be explaining WHY. For example, around 10:30am today I read "Mark is twittering...flying to MN." I thought to myself that it sounded so like him; to be excited and all "twittery" to get on a plane and have an adventure back here where he went to college.

Fast forward about 4 1/2 hours. My husband and I are sitting at IKEA having a snack on a date when my husband hears his name across the mostly empty cafeteria. We look across the room and spy none-other-than-Mark and his wife who just landed at the airport and stopped at IKEA for a swedish meatball on their way to a conference Mark is speaking at this weekend. Fun-Nee! I told them I wasn't shocked to see them in MN because of the Facebook update I'd read earlier. I just didn't expect to run into them at IKEA! I asked Mark about his word "Twittering" on his updates and to my surprise I learned that "Twittering" is not a state exclusive to the full-of-energy-guy I know sitting next to me at IKEA. Seems it is an actual thing that people do.

Here's the scoop from Wikipedia. "Twitter is a free social networking and micro-blogging service that allows users to send "updates" (or "tweets"; text-based posts, up to 140 characters long) to the Twitter website, via short message service, instant messaging, or a third-party application such as Twitterrific. Updates are displayed on the user's profile page and instantly delivered to other users who have signed up to receive them."

Seems to me it is sort of stalking-with-permission on an all too frequent basis. While we were sitting there talking with Mark he received two "tweets" on his phone...

WHAT THE HECK WILL TECHNOLOGY THINK UP NEXT????!

btw - I don't twitter!

One Brainy Woman...

2008-01-04T11:16:00.000-06:00

NEWSWEEK: So to you, faith is not a comfort?

MADELEINE L'ENGLE: Good heavens, no. It's a challenge: I dare you to believe in God.

NEWSWEEK: Many people see faith as anti-intellectual.

MADELEINE L'ENGLE: Then they're not very bright. It takes a lot of intellect to have faith, which is why so many people only have religiosity.

MADELEINE L'ENGLE May 17, 2004 Newsweek

Brilliant, no?

May It Be to Me...

2007-12-24T09:53:00.000-06:00

My 8 year old is bringing more Mariology to my life this Christmas.

During Advent at Abbey Way the children have been reading the gospel account of Jesus' birth. Each week they have been asked to listen with new ears to the person in the story who speaks to them the most and to reflect on what part of the story that person has to tell. In preparation for our service tonight, the littlest among us have listened carefully all month. Tonight we will be recipients of their message. Each is allowed one prop and one line to share with us the essence of the individual who has spoken to them.

I am eagerly anticipating what they will bring. What have these little ones heard from God? How will I encounter the mystery of this Holy Night through the eyes and ears of these children?

Our daughter has been listening to Jesus' mother, Mary, this Advent. On her own at home she has gone through her Bible listening to Mary's words about our Savior's birth. All by herself she distilled Mary's experiences down to one line.

"I serve the Lord. May it be to me as you have said." (Luke 1:38)

(pause)

(breathe again)

When God chose Mary to be the mother of my Lord, she got it. She accepted and embraced her role to carry our Savior and bring Him into the world.

When my daughter chose to listen to Mary's story, she got it. She holds a very important message and will carry it to all of us tonight.

When I hear the unfettered willingness to follow God's plan, no matter what the personal cost, do I get it? Can I hold that willingness to allow God to work in my life...no matter the cost...to change me. Can I carry that message in a way that connects for others who live without hope?

Oh, may it be to me.

And may it be for you.

Blessings on this Holy Night.

Have A Mary Christmas...

Feast of St. Nicholas

2007-12-08T00:20:00.000-06:00

St. Nicholas' feast day was Dec. 6th, but our family is celebrating it later today. Take a peek at how we remember a wonderful man of God...

http://touton.blogspot.com/2006/12/december-6th-feast-of-st-nicholas.html

Blogging Again

2007-12-04T16:27:00.000-06:00

So, I'm back I guess.

A lifetime ago there was a meme of sorts asking for pictures of where people blog from. Well, my blogging atmosphere has changed. A month ago we did an "extreme home makeover" which involved flipping furniture around on all three levels of our home...the end result being that our girls now each have their own room and my desk ended up in the library instead of the kitchen.

I'm actually enjoying my new space. The room is peaceful and the view overlooking Lake Drive in the front of our house makes me feel a little more connected to the hustle and bustle of everyday life on a busy street.

I didn't clean up my desk for you - you're welcome to peruse the piles yourself. You'd probably learn some interesting things about me. Actually you can learn from just looking at the desk itself! For instance, I like antiques. I enjoy my nice camera. I prefer pencil on my calendar, and oh yes, it must be sharp! The menorah in the corner is a nod to my eclectic views of my Christian heritage. And the shutterfly envelope is a revealing clue that I overestimated the number of Christmas cards we needed this year.

Welcome to my space ~ glad you stopped by!

From the Other Side of Darkness

2007-12-02T11:12:00.000-06:00

Hi - I feel like I should introduce myself all over again...it has been so long since I posted a post with some substance. Not that honoring my grandfather had no substance, but it has been awhile since I've shared my thoughts. Here goes...

Life knocked us down with a one-two punch and I feel like I've been out for the count for awhile. We are usually a stable family with a wonderful network of friends and family around us. All this fall we have been a family in crisis with a wonderful network around us. For so long I couldn't post because it was just too raw, but now I feel I need to post as a way of being honest about our pain, while also pointing to the One Who Pulled Us Out of Darkness.

Last spring, after 5 years of struggling with E, our Precious-Number-Two, we finally came to a diagnosis. She has a Sensory Integration Disorder, which affects her body's ability to process all kinds of sensory input and results in huge emotional outbursts that are terribly difficult to deal with as a parent. The question I usually find myself in a quandry over is, "Is this sensory, or is this behavior?" Because if it is behavior I know how to respond; kids need limits and boundaries and to some degree I know how to do that. But if it is sensory I am often at a loss as to exactly what would be helpful, and the inability to know how to help my child is crippling for me. If I am honest, it sent me in a downward spiral affecting my own mental health. You never know how much you can hurt until you hurt for one of your children.

Now, on the best of days I really desire to be an intentional parent, in tune with my children and carefully weighing choices about how we function as a family and what we choose to say yes to, how our children are educated, etc, etc. But throw in a diagnois, which, even with my training as a psychologist, leaves me guessing and taking shots in the dark. Then push me a step further into my own deep emotional darkness, add four deaths in our family, one who was my dear grandfather who always loved me unconditionally, and you have a recipe for a family in crisis. 2007 has been a hard, hard year.

Since August I have been searching for help. I got E back into OT, we enlisted a family therapist, I prayed. I've called on friends and family for back up to give each of us breaks from the emotional roller coaster we ride daily. I have poured my heart out to a couple of close loved ones, I prayed. I ordered and read books seeking understanding. I implemented sensory therapy at home. I prayed. All the while continuing on with life, homeschooling, running our house, keeping commitments. Outwardly we did ok. Inwardly everything just hurt so much. I was a mess. I felt like I was deceiving people and it felt just awful. I struggled with a true desire to be honest with others about the reality of our difficult situation, but it was so raw I didn't know how to let others know. I prayed.

Finally, in late October I wrote an email outling how we were doing as a family and I sent it to a few close friends and our entire church (30 adults). The response was so encouraging. Suddenly we weren't a family struggling alone in a vast sea. Nothing changed at home, but there were others who knew. People checked in with us, they let us know they were praying, there were offers of help and resources. The Body of Christ was present with us in the darkness. As I said, nothing changed at home, but I was very aware that we were being held in the midst of this very stressful place. I can't tell you how I know it was true. But it was. We were held, even carried through the darkness. I had hope again. I updated those folks a couple more times to tell them how things were going and to ask them to keep praying.

The day after Thanksgiving I boarded a plane for Atlanta. I was going to spend the weekend with dear friends who were baptizing their first child that weekend. I left my husband to tend to the stressful situation at home. I left knowing I desperately needed the break, but feeling guilty at the same time. The reports from home were pretty much what I expected. I returned on Monday in time to take E to an OT appointment. But then, inexplicably, Monday was a good day. Things at home were normal. E was laughing and sparkling more. Tuesday was the same, so were Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Now it is Sunday and E was able to put a snowsuit on and go out and play in the new snow this morning with very little difficulty at all. That is a huge accomplishment.

On Thursday I was talking to a friend on the phone and he asked, "How are you doing?" Knowing what he meant I replied, "Good. Actually, really good." He responded, "REALLY?" To which I said, "Yes, really, but please, please don't stop praying. It is making a difference." It felt so good to be able to say with all honesty that I was doing well. It was even better to acknowledge that the prayers of the faithful and the One Who is Faithful were the reasons I was in a different place. Because initial assessments and once a week appointments at OT and family therapy mean that help is often slow in coming, I am convinced that those things aren't the source of the shift in E's being. The help we have enlisted will be more of an on-going resource as we continue to move forward. But the real Source of comfort, help and relief has been the healing Spirit of God and his Spirit moving through the Body of Christ which surrounds us.

What have I learned (that I already knew)? Don't ever, ever doubt the power of prayer. Even when things are slow to change, don't ever doubt your prayers are heard. Don't underestimate the power of love expressed by the Body of Christ. Don't stay alone in your pain. No matter the cost, find a way to let others know. Winston Churchill once said, "If you find yourself in hell, keep going." I learned long ago "the only way out is through." I know it will sound trite, but it is true nonetheless; I'd also add...grab the hand of God and a friend and hold on tight.

So, there you go, there's a post.

Saying Goodbye

2007-11-12T19:46:00.000-06:00

Russell David Hansen
December 19, 1914 - November 12, 2007

So much life lived so very well.
Farewell Beloved Grandpa,
I can't wait to see you on the other side...

Yokes and Burdens

2007-10-14T23:56:00.000-05:00

A fellow blogger wrote this recently, and since I'm too tired to even link to him I'm just gonna say what he said...

"Come to me all you who are weary and find life burdensome, and I will refresh you. Take my yoke upon your shoulders and learn from me for I am gentle and humble of heart. Your souls will be refreshed for my yoke is easy and my burden light."

I need to remember that. Yoke, easy. Burden, light. Yoke, easy....

Amen.

Goodnight.

The Prayers That Won't Go Away

2007-10-02T15:44:00.000-05:00

O God, because without you we are not able to please you, mercifully grant that your Holy Spirit may in all things direct and rule my heart; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

Grant that I, Lord, may not be anxious about earthly things, but love things heavenly; and even now, while I am placed among things that are passing away, hold fast to those that shall endure; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

(In the Divine Hours there are "Prayers Appointed for the Week" that are prayed morning, midday and evening. The two prayers above were for the last two weeks.)

Book Aficionados Meme

2007-09-29T00:08:00.000-05:00

Yip Yip...uh huh, uh huh

2007-09-27T19:47:00.000-05:00

I needed this today. It reminded me of a more innocent time in my life...heck, it reminded me of innocence in general. I think I need to be more aware of innocence.

Good stuff...love those guys!

I'll be busy on Wednesday...

2007-09-23T23:53:00.000-05:00

It has been awhile since I've said anything about Slovakia.

You know, that eastern European country that used to be part of the former Czechoslovakia? Its capital, Bratislava lies 45 minutes east of Vienna, Austria (by car). Since the Berlin Wall came down in 1989 it has been exposed to all manner of Western lifestyles and thinking. It is a place that is being rebuilt in the wake of the devastating effects of Communism, rebuilt both literally - in reconstruction and modernization - but also figuratively, as the Slovak people are relearning how to trust themselves, each other, their government and even God.

In the past several years I have known more than a dozen people who have gone to Slovakia on short-term missions trips ranging from 2 weeks to 2 years, to our former pastor who left his position to move to Slovakia with his wife to serve there on a more permanent basis. (See my sidebar for links to friends who are there now.)

Two years ago this Christmas I boarded a plane to experience Slovakia and its people for myself. I went to assist our former pastor as they were settling into their new surroundings, but I also went with an open heart. Open to the possibility that God might one day be calling our family to serve Him there for a year or two. Mission accomplished. Whether we ever live there or not, Slovakia has seeped into my soul. I made very real connections in a short period of time and I remain open-hearted to any possibility God may hold out to us. But at the same time I have had to let go of any expectations and hopes I may have about the timing of such a possibility. I have given up trying to predict and I am committed to waiting for God to reveal Himself.

Tonight after church, our family was briefly talking about Slovakia with a friend who knows our heart for this former Communist country. Our 5 year old interjected, "Momma, when are we going to go there? When do we get to go?" I responded, "I don't know, E. I stopped asking God about that awhile ago. How about if you ask Him, if you listen carefully maybe He'll let you know when." Without pausing, batting an eye or cracking a smile, she said,

"He says we can go Wednesday."

See ya, I gotta go pack...

PS - To prepare to go to Slovakia we've been learning a little Slovak in our homeschool this year. The first two vocab words the girls learned? "Cokolada zmrzlina." I'm such a practical mom...right Judy, Matt and Scott??

So What's Wrong With My Vision of Community?

2007-09-18T01:11:00.000-05:00

Thoughts about community from a book called Life Together: A Discussion of Christian Fellowship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

"Innumberable times a whole Christian community has broken down because it had sprung from a wish dream. The serious Christian, set down for the first time in a Christian community, is likely to bring with him a very definite idea of what Christian life together should be and to try to realize it. But God's grace speedily shatters such dreams...

...By sheer grace, God will not permit us to live even for a brief period in a dream world. He does not abandon us to those rapturous experiences and lofty moods that come over us like a dream. God is not a God of the emotions but the God of truth. Only that fellowship which faces such disillusionmnet, with all its unhappy and ugly aspects, begins to be what it should be in God's sight...

...He who loves his dream of a community more than the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial." (pp. 26-27)

The point is, my vision of community can never be that - mine. Along this Abbey Way I've come to the realization that whatever vision I once had for anything this church could possibly be, needed to be surrendered...checked at the door. This is His Church. He continues to make that clear. Thank God.

RB: Insights for the Ages

2007-09-06T22:14:00.000-05:00

Tonight a group of a dozen folks from Abbey Way gathered to begin to explore the wisdom available to us in a 1500 year old document; The Rule of Benedict (RB). Written by Benedict of Nursia (480-547 A.D.) in the last stages of his life, it was meant as nothing more than a modest collection of directives for his own monastic community in central Italy. What Benedict actually accomplished was to lay out a pathway for anyone searching for how to live the Christian life. Lending creedence to this is the fact that this document has endured the test of time and indeed, as Joan Chittister titled her book, it continues to reveal Insights for the Ages. It remains the most influential of the two dozen or so monastic Rules that have come to us from ancient times. Despite its recognized wisdom it is remarkable that a small group of protestants would gather to learn from the Rule, let alone start a new monastic church based on the principles Benedict describes. Yet on this humid September evening we found ourselves gathered in the library of a church in northeast Minneapolis to do just that.

Though we've been traveling the "Abbey Way" for a year now we have recognized there is much work to do in starting a new church. Figuring out things like how to set up our rented space in another church's building, how to store it all during the week, how to coordinate who brings what for the potluck each week, how to coordinate family schedules to allow for small group times several times a month, and the ever present question, "What do we do with the children?" (The children are almost always with us, by the way, often leading the adults in recognizable ways. That's a whole other post...)

We have touched on the principles found in RB at various times in the past year. Initially, when we began we covered some basic ground. Six months in we reviewed that same ground and wondered what it meant for us. Still later we paused to acknowledge a growing awareness that RB could actually be the foundation for how to live the Christian life together, but we still had much to learn from it. So, as Benedict himself would say, "always, we begin again."

Our source for this group is Chittister's book, mentioned above, which has broken RB down into daily readings with commentary. Benedictine monastic communities read through the entire Rule three times each year which includes a cycle that began on September 1. Tonight when we met we had read just six days of RB which didn't quite get us through the Prologue.

The first thing that one notices when opening RB is the copious amount of scripture references sprinkled throughout the text. Basically, RB is scripture laced with Benedict's thoughts that link the verses together and apply them to living within the context of Benedict's community. It was pointed out tonight that using scripture this way was a bold move on Benedict's part. Historically, he was writing his Rule at a time when the Church was deciding about the role of scripture, its importance and how it should be used. (By 500 AD the Bible had been translated into over 500 languages. Just one century later, by 600 AD, it was restricted to only one language: the Latin Vulgate. Few people other than priests could read Latin. The church capitalized on this forced-ignorance during the 1,000 year period from 400 AD to 1,400 AD known as the Dark Ages.)

Rather than focusing on Benedict's words, the task of our group tonight was to divide up the 26 scripture references found in our first six days of reading and examine the passages asking "What themes emerge? How do the passages relate to the Rule? and How do the scriptures relate to your life and understanding the Gospel?" What follows here, is a brief distillation of our work in modern day language. (Thanks to all the voices in the room.)

The Prologue
Listen, because this is life and death stuff.
Guard the attitude of your heart.
Guard your behavior.
When you rightly order your heart and actions then you will be open to God and others.
This will help you walk in the Kingdom of God - because after all, it is all about Him.
Notice the evil in the world, but live love for all.
God's grace gives us the ability to do this and He gives us the gift of life in order that we might experience transformation.

(Benedict, forgive me if I've oversimplified. You yourself called this "a school for God's service." I'm learning.)

Our group will continue to meet every two weeks throughout the fall. I intend to continue to post about our discoveries along this "Abbey Way." Tonight was a very good beginning.

Lord, lead us along the path you have called us to. Amen.

One Word. No explanations.

2007-09-06T22:13:00.000-05:00

Erin tempted me...

1. Yourself: intentional
2. Your spouse: snoring
3. Your hair: clean
4. Your mother: St. Ben's
5. Your father: home
6. Your favorite item: camera
7. Your dream last night: forgotten
8. Your favorite drink: decaf
9. Your dream car: '67 Mustang
10. The room you are in: livingroom
11. Your ex: married
12. Your fear: heights
13. What you want to be in 10 years: ABD?
14. Who you hung out with last night: ChapterHouse
15. What you're not: athletic
16. Muffins: bran
17: One of your wish list items: grace
18: Time: flies
19. The last thing you did: typed
20. What you are wearing: pjs
21. Your favorite weather: autumn
22. Your favorite book: most
23. The last thing you ate: salad
24. Your life: full
25. Your mood: spent
26. Your best friend: amazing
27. What you're thinking about right now: future
28. Your car: hybrid
29. What you are doing at the moment: thinking
30. Your summer: busy
31. Your relationship status: married
32. What is on your TV: nothing
33. What is the weather like: cooler
34. When was the last time you laughed: tonight

Kyle's Thoughts on "Risking Love"

2007-08-23T02:12:00.000-05:00

A fellow blogger in Kentucky posted some thoughts the other day that struck a cord for me in relation to our growth as a Body at Abbey Way. As we spend more time together we experience more of each other's human-ness, er, human-mess? If we are to be as Christ to one another what is our response to be when we encounter one another in places of conflict and brokenness? In little ways, as well as in the "big-uglies" we can choose how we react. Our reaction will either build walls or open new pathways for living real life...Kingdom living this side of heaven. Of course not even our chosing is by our own power. God grants the gift of grace at each encounter. Do we recognize the gift? Do we grab hold of it and step into our choice?

Is it surprising that Kyle actually encourages my hope in our little church when he says, "Real community is what you get when people dedicate themselves to loving one another. It’s often messy, uncertain and fearful, but it’s a process that can be trusted. When we do this, we are willing to hurt and be hurt, willing to argue, and willing to hit bumps along the way."

But he also makes some challenging points when he asks, "When slighted, will we speak up and take responsibility for the way we feel? Will we deal directly with conflicts and be honest about our shortcomings and fears? Can we, in the midst of feeling rejected and uncared for, choose not to reject in turn?"

"And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love..." Maybe the words to that song should've been "They'll know we are Christians by how we handle conflict." Not quite as singable, I know.

Please keep reading more thoughts from Kyle's archive here.

Things I Remembered While at the North Shore

2007-08-20T00:06:00.001-05:00

1. Taconite is a cool looking rock, but Lake Superior Agates are hard to find.

2. Cairns in the wilderness are a lot more interesting than cairns on Hwy 61.

3. Someday I want to have a driveway that is so intriguing to others that I will need to post "No Tresspassing" signs.

4. Geocaching is a great way to see new places, or get a new perspective on someplace you're familiar with.

5. It can be very cold in Grand Marais...even in August.

6. It rained on our wedding day, 8/18/90, but not where we were this year. (Meanwhile, my cousin's house got flooded in Rushford, MN.)

7. When biking down great hills, the return trip is not so fun.

8. On the other hand, being alone with my husband all weekend is very much fun!

9. I love restaurants with outdoor seating.

10. There's not so many of those (see #9) in Grand Marais, largely due to #5 I suppose.

11. The Angry Trout is so much more than a fish.

12. I don't want to leave and I can never wait to go back. (We made reservations for October at Lutsen Resort with the girls!)

North Shore Weekend Photo Ops

2007-08-19T22:56:00.000-05:00

The Not So Big Life

2007-08-13T13:02:00.000-05:00

The Book

"The bigger-is-better idea that triggered the explosion of McMansions in home design has spilled over to give us McLives. In her bestselling Not So Big House series, Sarah Susanka showed us how to change the way we live by adjusting the physical space we inhabit. Now, in The Not So Big Life, Sarah takes her revolutionary philosophy a giant step further by showing us how to change the way we live by fully inhabiting each moment of our lives.

The Not So Big Life reveals that form and function serve not only architectural aims, but life goals as well. Just as we can tear down interior walls to open up space, The Not So Big Life shows us that we can tear down our fears, assumptions and conditionings in a way that opens us up to new possibilities so we can start passionately engaging the things we long to do."

I haven't read it yet, but I'll find a copy soon!

The Age of the Hybrid ~ Oh Really?

2007-08-06T12:56:00.000-05:00

Did you know?

In 1900, 1/3 of all automobilies in New York City were powered by electricty.

While this is a good thing, does anyone else find it slightly ironic?

Wednesday, August 1st, 6:05pm

2007-08-04T11:23:00.000-05:00

[I've been thinking about this post for awhile. I don't know where to go with it. Just reflecting I guess...I know there are several of you reading who don't live in the Twin Cities and are wondering how things are around here.]

Our family was just finishing up dinner when our neighbor stopped by. "The 35W bridge collapsed," he said. "What??" I cleared the table and went to turn on the television. For the next several hours I sat there stunned by what the screen revealed.

At the same moment across the world, everyone who knew anyone in the Twin Cities was thinking, "Are they ok?" By the next morning I had received emails from Atlanta, England, and LaCrosse, Wisconsin, "Are you ok?" A friend received a call from Israel and others I know heard from Scotland and Australia. It was such a random event on a bridge that carries 141,000 cars a day over the Mississippi, it truly could have involved any one of us. It was amazing to me how quickly the world knew of it and responded by checking on those they love. Living here I think we all could say it is no effort to share a sense of the great sorrow of those families who were touched by this tragedy and the rescuers who have been shaken as well. I have achingly held them in prayer for the past 3 days.

My uncle has a colleague who was on the Stone Arch Bridge when the other bridge fell. She was one of the first responders who was in the water helping others to safety. A dear friend of ours is a paramedic for HCMC (the closest hospital) he had crossed that bridge 5 times earlier in the day responding to 911 calls. He was off duty at the time of the collapse, but returned to work to offer what he could. Another dear friend had mapquested a route to an unfamiliar destination and decided against fighting the construction on the bridge where mapquest would have put her. At 6:25pm she and her family fortunately found themselves to be one of four cars in the south bound lanes of 35W, a mile or two south of the tragedy unfolding behind them.

It was so close to home literally and figuratively.

The 35W bridge is as much a part of my story as it is a part of the story of anyone living in the Twin Cities. Because of where I have lived and worked I have traveled that bridge a thousand times in the past 20 years. Most recently I crossed it on my way home from work twice a week. My favorite vista of downtown occurred just as I would start across the bridge heading south, particularly at night when the city and river were lit up. I would look west and exclaim to my children (everytime!) "Look girls, isn't the city beautiful from here?" In the picture above, that view is about where a portion of the bridge now juts straight up toward the sky.

There is no doubt in anyone's mind that this event will shape our city for years to come. Already it is impacting decisions to be made by our state legislators. The rerouting and future construction will impact everyday lives for the next several years. The collapse of the 35W bridge will take its place in our collective memory from this generation forward. We will remember the tragedy and the sense "It could've been me." But we will also remember our pride in the response of the bystanders and those who are trained to help in these situations. We will mourn the loss of life while also holding a gratefulness for those who willingly intervened to help as many as possible to safety.

Another part of my story is my love for this city and its residents. Who I am has been shaped by 38 years of urban living in the Midwest. This is one more time when Minnesota proves to be a very small place, where Minnesota Nice is not just a phrase, but way of life that every day folks live into, particularly when it matters most.

A Glimpse of July

2007-07-23T10:14:00.000-05:00

I have been regretably absent from the blogworld as of late. July has been busy.

It started on July 1st when I went to Covenant Pines Bible Camp with my 8 y.o. as a volunteer counselor. I grew up going to CPBC as a camper so it was 3 days full of fun with my daughter while also catching glimpses of shadows of my past. I don't mean that the shadows were negative, just that they were always there just over my shoulder, like a real shadow when you are playing in the sun. It was a wonderful 3 days. What a fantistic place to share with my daughter!

Then I was home for two days before heading off to "Mommy camp" a.k.a. a class at St. John's University. This was also great fun (except for the fact that it was 94 degrees and terribly humid and I was staying on the third floor of the south side of an un-airconditioned building ~ thanks A, for the fan, or I really wouldn't have survived). The whole experience really deserves its own post. (You can find some of my thoughts on the class - New Monasticism and the Benedictine Tradition here.) Highlights of the 5 days ~ saying prayers with the monks of St. John's Abbey several times a day, having two very different lecturers for the class who dovetailed together so well, spending time with my friends A & L who live on campus, the wonderful diversity among my classmates (by diversity I mean different life stages and expressions of new monasticism in their lives), being on the campus of St. John's for the first time...it was absolutely lovely at the height of MN summer.

Back home again I finished up my paper for the class while also partaking of our city's festival, Whiz Bang Days. Over the weekend we enjoyed the carnival, parade and fireworks, thanks Robbinsdale! This past weekend we celebrated summer birthdays at my mother-in-law's house and then our family went to Walnut Grove, MN to attend the Laura Ingalls Wilder Pageant. Attending the pageant was the grand finale of our homeschool year of studying history through the Little House books by LIW. It was also something my mother-in-law had always wanted to see, so it was a pleasure to bring her along with us as her birthday present from us.

We are back home again and this morning I am allowing the girls to rest while watching PBS kids' shows, I'm still in my pjamas. I feel like its the first day of summer vacation, which is of course not true. But still, it is good to just BE and that is what we will do today. I am looking ahead at the remainder of our summer. It will be more of a balance of BEing and PLAYing. A visit to see friends who moved to a small town, a tie-dye gathering, camping with our church, and our anniversary trip to Naniboujou on the North Shore comprise the bigger events. But the weekdays will be much more mellow with nothing programmed for the kids...ah, summer, at last.

Amazing Love for Another

2007-07-13T19:39:00.000-05:00

"I saw a need. I knew I could fill it. And so that's what I did."

The full story.

Simply amazing.

7 Alarm Fire in Phily

2007-06-28T00:21:00.000-05:00

The dear folks at The Simple Way need our help.

Read about what you can do here.

Fragmentation...Stories....and Healing or "What is the Church?"

2007-06-10T11:43:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a class in July at St. John's University called New Monasticism and the Benedictine Tradition and I've started my reading for the class. I immediately came upon this. If you aren't sure exactly what is meant by the words 'new monasticism' don't let them get in your way, just think 'community.'

"Since those who form the new monasticism (NM) have also been formed by the fragmentation of contemporary life, this means that the task of forming communities of the NM will be marked by deep struggle, perhaps a great deal of pain, and the hard work of reconciliation. The power of Christ's cross as the climactic work of atonement will stand at the center of the NM. In this work of atonement, it is absolutely vital that the NM recognizes and properly names the fragmentation that inhibits and distorts the formation of community and the healing of persons in community. Without the knowledge and the practices of reconciliation, the work of forming a NM can be too painful and too difficult to continue." ~ from School(s) for Conversion: 12 Marks of a New Monasticism edited by The Rutba House.

I wrote in the margin "This is critical." When I read it I was very aware that it is critical to recognize and it is even more critical to do.

When our community, Abbey Way Covenant Church, first began I blogged about how anxious I was to know and be known in this community. I had a tongue in cheek proposal that each of us could pass around a book called "Tonya" or "Ben" or "Hallie" or "Bob" and after reading each person's story we could get to a new depth just that much more quickly. But at the same time I recognized that I didn't want to circumvent the process of becoming more intimate. There was something holy to behold at each place where my life intersected with another's. After 9 months of our family's investment that process continues. As a community we are still looking for ways to share our stories with each other. To know and be known much more intimately than caring but casual church relationships.

I believe we are coming to a place where others' stories are going to be more openly read among us. These are very tender days. How we choose to walk with each other and hold each others' stories will be critical to the development of true community among us. I am coming to believe that becoming true community is not to be an end in itself. There is a much deeper work here. "...it is absolutely vital that the NM recognizes and properly names the fragmentation that inhibits and distorts the formation of community and the healing of persons." The deeper work is "the healing of persons." It is a both/and. As people experience healing we can grow into deeper levels of community. As we grow into deeper levels of community people can experience more healing.

It seems like such an obvious premise, no? But it is the true work of the church which is set before us. We, as the Church (universal), are to continue the work of redemption, re-creation and restoration that Jesus began during his life, death and resurrection. When people experience healing in Christ, within the context of a healthy, Christ-centered community that is evidence of the Church being the Church.

This process is not without tensions. So many have been wounded in relationships, both inside and outside of the church. There are risks inherent in sharing our stories with one another. How will I be received? How will people react to my sin? or how I have coped with the sins that have been perpetrated against me? Is it really worth it? Will I experience healing in these places I have held for so long? Indeed, the tensions and the risks are great...but is the hope for what the Holy Spirit can do within a community and the hope for healing greater??

In 9 months of investing and getting to know others at Abbey Way I have been recognizing an openness among the hearts within the circle of this community. There is an intentional reaching toward others. We stand in a circle, facing one another. We have had some awkward moments when our brokenness has been evident, and yet, how people have responded in those places has been encouraging to me. They have unknowingly strengthened my commitment to this circle. So, I continue to hold the tensions and look around, and take another step toward the center of the circle. I am determined to figure out ways to hold their stories, and to reveal more of my story to them.

"...and so we begin again." (RB)

A Body of Broken Bones

2007-06-02T22:41:00.000-05:00

"As long as we are on earth, the love that unites us will bring us suffering by our very contact with one another, because this love is the resetting of a Body of broken bones. Even saints cannot live with saints on this earth without some anguish, without some pain at the differences that come between them. There are two things that men can do about the pain of disunion with other men. They can love or they can hate. Hatred recoils from the sacrifice and the sorrow that are the price of this resetting of bones. It refuses the pain of reunion."

~ Thomas Merton

...thanks Tom.

scott... diagonally parked in a parallel universe

2007-06-02T17:07:00.000-05:00

"if you want a fully devoted, discipled saint put them in a soup kitchen. get them to volunteer at a rehab. jesus didn't hold classes, he modeled compassion. there were no curriculum driven membership classes. people who are broken by the things that break god's heart want to learn. they need the tools. they ask for the weapons. i'm tired of trying to convince myself that the four bases of discipleship or getting someone's 'shape' is really of much value. it looks good on the scorecard but then again, we keep score completely wrong. we measure the number of fans in the stands but completely ignore the number of saved marriages. we count the members and have absolutely no idea how many of our church people are making a difference in their community. we are internally focused. we teach people that the ultimate service to god is servicing the church...that full time ministry is better than real life ministry."

Read the rest of Scott's wonderful rant here: scott... diagonally parked in a parallel universe

Dressed in Gentleness

2007-05-30T00:32:00.000-05:00

"Once in a while we meet a gentle person... Gentle is the one who does 'not break the crushed reed, or snuff the faltering wick' (Matthew 12:20). Gentle is the one who is attentive to the strengths and weaknesses of the other and enjoys being together more than accomplishing something. A gentle person treads lightly, listens carefully, looks tenderly, and touches with reverence. A gentle person knows that true growth requires nurture, not force. Let's dress ourselves with gentleness. In our tough and often unbending world, our gentleness can be a vivid reminder of the presence of God among us." ~ Henri Nouwen in Bread for the Journey

I have a friend who exhudes grace and gentleness. It is not put on, it is her very nature and every time I am around her I want to be more like her. I have prayed that God would grant me more grace - not saving grace, but living grace. The kind of grace and gentleness that makes it possible to say a difficult thing and not have it sound harsh. The sort of gentleness that would help me to discipline my children without anger seeping through. The very gentleness our Lord extends to me. May I truly grow into this way of clothing myself. I hold onto the hope that I find when I consider that it is after all, a fruit of the Spirit. "...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." (Gal. 5:22) Hmmm, interesting that gentleness and self-control seem to be closely connected. I trust the Spirit will keep working that out in me.

You're Still There

2007-05-25T00:49:00.000-05:00

Liz, the author of Motherhood is not for Wimps (see sidebar for link), recently lost her "Ducky." Her 97 year old grandmother who pretty much raised her. She has blogged about her loss, and struggling with wanting to continue to post about Ducky, her memories of her, the pain of losing her. This excerpt from her post was written as a post-humous dialogue between the two of them.

Ducky: How can I be gone if you still think there is something to say?

Liz: That's the problem I'm having. The story of you is over. You've stopped moving forward. What can there be to say about something that is over?

Ducky: The story of me isn't over. You're still there.

Wow. That is powerful...the story of me isn't over...you're still there. How is it that people can be connected in such a way that when one person leaves (or in this case dies) the other still can remain profoundly changed for the rest of their life? The implication is that simply by knowing someone we can be changed by them. I can think of many significant people in my life whom I have connected with in this way. Pieces of who I am have been formed and shaped by these others, whether they knew it then, or will ever know it. Whether I recognized it then, or will ever recognize it. This connection seems to be another aspect of being part of a community. Living alongside others, being impacted, affected, changed by who they are and how they relate to you. (I might add here, that this can be positive or negative.)

But the leave-taking, that is hard. Our culture doesn't do this well and our churches don't really do it at all. Why? Where are the models for how to say goodbye well? How to hold and release? How to bless in the coming and in the going?

...in the going...I remember when my own grandfather died in 1995. I was in Europe the last two weeks when he was failing. When I returned and was given the story of his last weeks in his earthly body, I will never forget what my mom shared with me. "He taught us how to die." Yes, he died knowing he was dying, he died with grace and dignity. But there was something else in this 86-year-old farmer, son of Swedish immigrants...there was something else he knew about leave-taking.

My grandpa knew how he left this earth was not about his pride or personal inner strength. His saying goodbye and dying well was about his love, care, concern and connection with his son and daughter and their families. He died well because he cared about us. Not that he kept a "stiff upper lip" so we would not suffer the pain of his loss. He knew we would feel loss as keenly as he had felt the loss of his own wife 6 years earlier. But it was because he cared about these relationships that he took his leave of this earth well. It was the same love and care that had served to build him a lifetime's worth of connection with those he loved.

But you know what? His story is not over...it lives on in my mom, in me and in my daughter who never met him, but who carries his name. How he impacted us and helped to shape and form pieces of who we are will continue on. He has gone on before us and he left us well, but the Ray Monson shaped void in our lives still speaks.

Grandpa, I'm still here.

From Morning Prayer

2007-05-17T08:31:00.000-05:00

Remember, O Lord, what you have wrought in me and not what I deserve; and, as you have called me to your service, make me worthy of your calling; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

Listening/Obedience

2007-05-13T22:20:00.000-05:00

Considering the name of this blog I was completely taken with this quote...but then the quote completely "took me."

"The first discipline is listening. The word listening in Latin is audire. And if you listen with great attention the words are ob audire. That is the word for "obedience." The word obedience means listening.

If you are not listening, you are deaf. The Latin word for deaf is surdus, and if you're actually deaf, you're ab surdus. The "absurd" life is a life in which you're not listening. An obedient life is a life in which you are listening."

~Henri Nouwen

Wow.

Noticings

2007-05-13T21:28:00.000-05:00

Tonight at church I was doing battle with God over some things in my life. To put it bluntly, I was noticing my black heart actually. So when the time came to share the bread and the cup, the bread was dry in my mouth and I stared at the wine in my cup for awhile before I sipped it.

Then I thought...what if transubstantiation were true? Not the first time my mind has traveled this path. However, this time it was my heart that was open to the possibility. It is too long of a story for this post, but for the past year or so I've come to decide that I don't know that transubstantiation is NOT true. There is too much mystery in God for me to say that the bread and the wine can't actually become Christ's body and blood. So, tonight my heart was longing for it to indeed be true. And I drank the wine praying my heart would be cleansed by the "other living in me." That somehow honoring what Christ did on the cross for me by drinking that wine it would truly become the blood of Christ cleansing me and becoming part of me, from within.

OK, I hope I don't lose anyone here, this serious post is going to take a turn toward absurd...

I leaned over to my friend next to me to comment "what if..." as I lifted my glass. At that exact moment her 5 year old daughter, Anna, finished gulping down her grape juice and exploded with a loud "burp!"

"What was that??"

At first we gasped, then we giggled and then we laughed outright! We laughed at the absolute inappropriateness of the moment (how inappropriate were we??). But after what happened next we both began to sense there was something else happening here. Indeed, Anna hopped off mom's lap and moved over to a worship station. She came back momentarily and said, "He's not there. I'm going to go look for him over there." She moved to the next worship station and literally rummaged around, as if looking for something. She came back and my friend asked what she was looking for, only to discover that her daughter was literally looking for God. Apparently, she was looking in some places she'd encountered Him before. Something else was happening here, something important, something holy, and something good.

"What was that???"

Somewhere, God was in that moment. I am sure of it, and I don't mean to be disrespectful. But truly, the timing was too poigiant to not have some significance. The burp got my attention and there was something powerful in how it all played out. So, I'm just going to notice it, and keep asking God about it.

Anna seemed to be doing what we all do...we run around looking for God, often in places where we've encountered Him before. However, the message tonight pointed to a foundational truth: "there is another that lives in us." This is a beautiful, wonderful, perfect mystery. If we truly understood this and embraced it, it would change us, it would change the choices we make and the way we live. It would change everthing. Later in the evening, my friend checked in with Anna, to see if she'd found God. The reply was noncommital, as if she were still looking and the question wasn't settled. I noticed that to my knowledge, Anna hadn't looked inside herself...

"What was that?"

Going...Going...Gone Green

2007-04-24T21:16:00.001-05:00

Don't fall over...I know, TWO POSTS IN ONE DAY!

If you look back in my posts, on Feb. 3rd I posted about our family's dilema in buying a new vehicle; wanting space, economy and holding a desire to lessen our family's "carbon footprint."

Well, we took the plunge. Yesterday we bought a 2006 Hybrid Toyota Highlander. Don't get me wrong, it was a serious financial commitment. But there were things about this year that made it financially possible, so while we consider ourselves very fortunate we also felt the desire to literally turn our good fortune into something that might also be good fortune for our planet. (Not to sound too grandiose, but you know what I mean...) It was not just a way to justify an expense, for us it was literally paying something forward.

Here's an interesting thing (beyond all the technology involved with a hybrid vehicle, which I find simply amazing in and of itself). Follow along on my morning:
This morning I woke up already behind in my day from having hit the snooze button. It was one of those days where everything must be timed like clockwork or I'm sunk. To add to the pressure, my 5 year old slept late (I am loath to wake a sleeping child) and she is the slowest breakfast eater on the planet. We needed to be out the door by 8:30am to get the coffee for the meeting I was going to, swing by the bank, drop said 5 year old at preschool and arrive at the meeting on the south side of Minneapolis by 9:30am (all this during rush hour).

We exited our house at 8:35am (first miracle), accomplished all of the trivia and arrived exactly on time at the meeting. Now, all this was accomplished without "stepping on the gas" on my part. In learning about our new hybrid vehicle I discovered there is an art to driving it. Someone who "feathers" the gas will produce vastly more economical results, as is true in all cars, but I've learned it is even more true in a hybrid. Where as in another vehicle, tromping the gas could result in 5mpg less in gas mileage, in a hybrid it could vary up to 10mpg. That's a big difference. So, though I was a fair driver before, I found myself taking it easy on purpose this morning and low and behold we arrived on time and I felt less frenetic inside as well.

Another interesting thing about this vehicle is how dramatically quiet it is to drive. At one point this morning while sitting at a stop light in a busy urban area I suddenly said, "Shhhhh! Listen!" to my 8 year old. With all of the windows closed we could hear the man at the bus stop talking. When you idle in a hybrid the gas engine switches over to the electric engine and the entire car is so quiet you think it has shut off completely. The effect is amazing. Between the easier pace of driving, the silence experienced at moments during the drive and the smooth ride I arrived at our destination calm and collected.

Now, I do not believe that a vehicle makes one happier. Nor do I by any means assert that everyone should drive a hybrid. But, there is the Spirit of Something happening here and I think it began with the attitude with which my husband and I did our research and bought our vehicle. At our former church there was a phrase that came out of a sermon series, it was "putting your hand to what your heart prompts." That is exactly the spirit with which we made this decision.

I can't begin to say I totally understand everything about global climate change and I know there are scientists who study it who are still skeptical (as is my dad, which carries a lot of weight for me). But I do believe that we haven't taken very good care of the earth and there is much we can do, each one as they are able. So, this was something that our hearts agreed with and we were able to do. We will continue to learn and implement ways to lessen our carbon footprint. But I'm pleased that there have already been some interesting and surprising returns on our investment!

Simply Grateful

2007-04-24T16:11:00.000-05:00

I was raised in the Evangelical Covenant Church. By that I mean I grew up there attending Sunday school, was confirmed in the Covenant expression of Christian faith, attended youth group and church summer camps faithfully and was even married all in the same church. Being that it was a small denomination I also had many experiences with other Covenant churches, particularly on the south side of the Twin Cities. But, even more importantly my understanding of faith was shaped by the evangelical stream of Christianity in this small, but solid denomination.

Today, after 16 years in another denomination, I find myself again a part of the Covenant as part of Abbey Way Covenant Church, the new church we are committed to help birth. This weekend I re-encountered the Covenant denomination at the Northwest Conference 123rd Annual Meeting. Conference attendees represented the 130 Covenant churches located here in the upper midwest. It was fundamentally a business meeting for the conference, but it was so much more than business. It was a celebration of what God is doing in His church and how Covenant folks all over the map are experiencing God's faithfulness found in the joy of being Kingdom Bringers.

It was an interesting weekend for me, one of those "old home" experiences. I renewed my acquaintance with the pastor who married us, the director of the camp I attended for 7 summers, a friend from that camp who is now a Covenant pastor and others whose names or families I knew of growing up.

Why am I writing about all of this?

Because on Friday night I experienced a profound moment. I realized that my past was all around me, my feet were firmly planted in the reality of Abbey Way Covenant Church and when I turned to look at the future I could see several potential avenues where my connection with the Covenant will likely endure...and I was so grateful. It was a gratefulness that moved me to tears. While standing there singing "How Great Is Our God" the flow of my past, present and future all came together and I was simply grateful. Grateful for the Swedish immigrants who followed God and began this denomination, grateful to the faithful folks who continued the mission in both large and small ways, grateful for the good people of Bloomington Covenant Church who were community to each other and created the rich environment that nutured and supported my faith, grateful to my parents who chose that church back in 1969. In the midst of my gratefulness, the "great cloud of witnesses" that the writer of Hebrews and the apostle's creed speak of was suddenly there in the room with us. They floated near the place where the walls meet the ceiling...and they were celebrating in gratefulness too.

I stepped back from the moment to notice with surprise, what a rich, rich heritage this denomination is for me. It is good. It is solid. It is a strong and healthy foundation for a life lived in and with Christ. My task now is to hold onto it and more important; to carry it forward...full of simple gratefulness and thanksgiving.

So anyway, I was saying...

2007-04-10T15:14:00.000-05:00

Hi friends!

Yes, Lent has come and gone and I'm back. Back on the internet, as well as back from Sanibel Island. My fast went well, I'd actually almost forgotten about blogging, but had not forgotten all of you who I hold in my heart. My first item is to note that no, contrary to popular belief, Blogger does NOT delete your blog if you don't post in more than 40 days. Whew!! I know that's a huge relief on all our minds.

I have to say, it may be another 40 days before I post again. Life has taken our family for one of those whirls that fortunately only come along infrequently. I choose to protect our family's busy-ness and guard our time carefully. That has shifted as of late and I am having difficulty adjusting to the change. One of the ways I can control my time is to put self-imposed limits on my computer time. I can imagine I'll be here infrequently.

I am sure many of you are wondering how things are going in our little community at Abbey Way. The season of Lent was a wonderful time of slowing and choosing to be even more engaged for our family. Now that we have turned a corner beyond our 6 month inital commitment we know who is "in the room" so to speak. We have been spending more time outside of scheduled Abbey Way events getting to know others in our community. In some ways this hasn't even been intentional...it just seems natural. What a gift!

I have felt the desire to know others in deeper ways since the beginning of our involvement with Abbey Way, but it seems that now is the time to really move toward one another. To step out, and in doing so, to step closer. We took care of one family's 16 month old for two days while the parents and older children went to the Wisconsin Dells. I asked one dear friend (and Grandma-wanna-be!) to spend a morning with one of my girls while I went out with the other one. We have held two women's craft days "come and work on whatever it is you do!" as well as several men's game-get-togethers (don't expect me to keep track of the men!) We have had date nights with a few other couples. We have spent some creative time with other homeschooling families from Abbey Way. I have been blessed to experience others responding to our family's current struggles, people reaching out with offers of help. I have been dreaming and exchanging emails with several people as we continue to listen to what God is forming in our hearts related to being community. The interesting thing about all of these intentional moments is the LIFE that I have felt...in the giving as well as the receiving.

Of course the road to REAL community is not without its potholes. So far, we have not gotten stuck in any, but they have jostled us around a bit, like the potholes in the roads that jolt us during spring in Minnesota. But my perspective is that I welcome these jolts, they wake us up and call us to pay attention and take a good look at the road we are on. Some will have to be fixed. Some will have to be avoided in the future. Some will actually help us to figure out our next steps on this journey. Overall if dealt with properly, they can be opportunities for us to learn about what it means to travel this road together.

So, thanks for asking, Abbey Way is doing well.

Ash Wednesday - Turning

2007-02-21T08:44:00.000-06:00

For Lent this year, I am turning away from something that takes up time and thus making more space in my life to hear God. I will be abstaining from all non-essential internet use. (Between homeschooling and Abbey Way I need limited access.) So yes, no blogs for the next 40 days, no reading them either.

Here is what I WILL be doing with God:

Ash Wednesday - Turning
Lent One - Trusting
Lent Two - (Be)Holding
Lent Three - Thirsting
Lent Four - Forgiving
Lent Five - Receiving
Lent Six/Palm Sunday - Remembering
Maundy Thursday - Cleansing
Good Friday - Dying
Easter Vigil - Waiting
Easter - Rising

May Our Lord be with you during this holy season.
See you in a few...

Things that occupy my brain

2007-02-03T09:48:00.000-06:00

A couple of weeks ago my husband and I watched Al Gore's movie An Inconvenient Truth. Global climate change is something I've been thinking about for awhile...not even learning about it, just thinking. Like when there's something you've got to do, and its in the back of your mind, and hasn't even made it onto your to do list yet, but its there and not going away. Watching this movie was a first step. I really appreciated how Al Gore framed the problem of climate change. He said, "Global climate change is not a political issue. It is a moral issue." That mindset could be the catalyst that shifts all of our thinking.

After watching the movie we've found it is informing our thinking regarding some decisions many families make each year. One such decision is the likelihood that we will replace one of our aging vehicles sometime in the next 12 months. (Living in a first ring suburb of Minneapolis, public transportation options are not viable, but we support legislation to build more light rail in the metro area.) We currently drive an ancient SUV and a minivan. The SUV will be laid to rest along with the other vehicles we have "driven to their deaths" during our married life. So the question is hanging out there, "What will we replace it with?"

I'd like to buy something "green" but I don't think it will be affordable for us. I'd like to buy something more fuel efficient but I hesitate to buy a smaller vehicle because a) I like the space in our current family vehicle and b) I am worried about safety with 2 kids in my vehicle and so many other large vehicles on the road these days. As I consider my reasoning, it makes me stop and think...what if we are not the only family out there not buying a more fuel efficient vehicle due to space and safety? Space can be sacrificed in hopes of contributing to the betterment of our world. I can get over it. And safety, well, what if more of us just started buying smaller and eventually the tide did turn? If I am one more smaller vehicle on the road and others making a similar decision go smaller there might be fewer large vehicles out there, because WE wouldn't be driving them.

One thing I am convinced of, the decisions I make today can and will make a direct impact on the future of our world. (And that is true for every one of us.) I am just beginning to learn and see the changes I can make in my thinking and in my actions. For example, one thing I can do starting today: Keep the tires on my car adequately inflated. Check them monthly. Save 250 lbs. of carbon dioxide and $840 per year. (If everyone in the United States did it, gasoline use nationwide would come down by 2 percent.) Go here and click on the menu Take Action to use the calculator to learn more ideas like this.

So, I'm curious...what do you know about global climate change and how has that knowledge impacted your thinking and your actions???

"Climate change is going to be more responsible for bringing about a borderless world than free trade." - US economist Jeffery Rifkin

(As I've been learning about climate change, I found this quote and I think it begs to be mulled over. What would a borderless world, working together to save our children's future look like? What are the possibilities??)

Full Coverage: Climate Change
Off the Wires
Boxer wants U.S. to host energy summit AP
Climate report spurs call for change now AP
Feature Articles
How language on climate change has evolved AP via Yahoo! News, Feb 02
Ten years left to avert catastrophe at The Independent (UK), Feb 02
News Stories
Scientists dispel global warming doubts at Financial Times, Feb 02
Opinion & Editorials
CNN.comScientists: Humans 'very likely' cause global warming
CNN.comReport: 'No question' about warming

Feeling Hungry?

2007-01-27T21:49:00.000-06:00

Words of insight from a fellow traveller:

"Every one of us hungers for food, companionship and God.
A shared meal is the only place in which those three needs can be met simultaneously."

His words reminded me of Abbey Way...who we are and who we are becoming.

Read more from one of my favorite bloggers over at
Today at the Mission.

Liminal Stages

2007-01-24T23:28:00.000-06:00

Liminal -(from wikipedia)

First or preliminary stage
This change is accomplished by separating the participants from their usual social setting. The participants are first separated from a former community and gather together to form a new community.

The liminal stage
A period during which one is "betwixt and between", "neither here nor there". For example, when graduating from school; when the ceremony is in progress, the participants are no longer students but neither are they yet graduates. This is the distinctive character of liminality.

The final or postliminal stage
A period during which one's new social status is confirmed, often involves reincorporation and often this is recognized by others outside of the community.

I first heard Gloria use this word in describing Abbey Way. For me, it has never been more descriptive than now. We are in what I would call a "hinge" stage, or what wikipedia refers to as the liminal stage. A door that rides on a hinge is an open door in one position or a closed door in another position, or even varying degrees of more open or closed on a continum depending how open or closed the hinge is. Nonetheless it remains a door. Abbey Way is like that right now. We are Abbey Way, new church plant, lots of dear souls walking it out every week in our gatherings, in our families, in our practices, in our mindsets, in our very lives.

The hinge part, that part intrigues me. The hinge is swinging right now as we approach the end of our six month closed experience and approach the moment when (for this group of souls, at this time at Abbey Way) the door closes. Now, the hinge doesn't have a mind of its own, it is guided in speed and distance by the hand that pushes it. Time is the hand that we feel pushing. On February 18th we will mark the end of six months together. But these weeks leading up to that marker, and I am sure the weeks to follow, feel like an incredibly liminal space.

"Betwixt and between." We are coming to realize to varying degrees that none of us hold the entire picture of what this call entails (yet?!). What has been established thus far is a very good beginning. Some regular rhythms have been established, some tweeking is of course required. Our value of Stability has to be held gently, yet firmly during this period of time. We are also realizing an important point of community - we need each of the pieces that others hold within this community to establish the entire picture. The vision of what we are called to is being held differently in our many hearts, and if we fail to recognized each other's pieces we may lose vital aspects of what we are being called to. We are learning to listen to God together, and to share what we hear. Be open. (Remember? Jesus said, "Ephphatha." (Be opened) to the man who was deaf and mute, and he was healed.)

There are risks inherent in this process. Things held tightly may need to be released (another version of "be opened"). Things hoped for may not come to pass. Things held out as offerings may not be received. Yet, we must listen and then speak into these places with our full selves if we are to continue to grow as individuals and as a community in our recognition of the vision. Recognizing and valuing each other, recognizing and valuing listening for God together, yes, these are good places to begin.

I recently reread my post reflecting on the day we began formally meeting:
"My heart is just impatient. Awkward, or "not enough" or just too slow, or whatever one might say - these first minutes, hours, days and months together are incredibly holy places. Each minute of being present to the others is a building block to be laid with prayer, love and hope. The Builder is doing something amazing here, of that I am certain. The best I can do to join Him in what is after all His work, is to show up and offer my whole self to each encounter and wait with patience to see what God does next in each of us - in all of us. Indeed, the transformation begins now." (Sept 2006)

I could rewrite those exact words today. This is an incredibly holy and hopeful place. Together we hold the inherent tensions of this liminality. Being present to each other, present to God and showing up with our whole selves for each encounter, even as we are being called to do it deeper, more, further up and farther in. It is a time for pondering endings and beginnings.

And so we begin again...

Amusing Myself

2007-01-15T23:25:00.000-06:00

To amuse myself I've pasted a Flickr badge on my sidebar...if anyone is interested, feel free to amuse yourself with a collection of my favorite random photos.

And I do mean random!

Prayer

2007-01-14T09:46:00.000-06:00

I've really enjoyed several of Anne Lamott's books in the past. This morning, after a rough night with our younger daughter I recalled what she refers to as two most often used prayers of parenting.

"Help, help, help." and

"Thank you, thank you, thank you."

It is such a good thing to know that God knows what I carry in my heart.

What's a Catechism Good for Anyway?

2007-01-10T22:17:00.000-06:00

As I sit here tonight I find I have so many things rushing through my mind and my heart. Things I need to tend to, arrangements I need to make, big decisions ahead, an early phone call I need to remember tomorrow morning, long term plans, important things to study, pieces that need to fall into place, responsibilities I have said yes to...the list grows longer by the minute. All of our lives are like that, aren't they?

But just now, the question came back to me. The question my four year old asked me yesterday...and the day before. Yes, it was an important enough question that she asked me twice, about 24 hours apart. (How does that little brain work?) What was the question?

"Momma, why did God make us?"

Wow. I mean, where do I start? And then, like a wave, the first question of the Westminster Shorter Catechism washed over me..."Q. What is the chief end of man?
A. Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever."

"Well Love, He made us so we would love Him. That's it, nothing more. Nothing."

A long time ago I learned to trust in speaking "the shortest truest thing." I didn't expand on it as I waited for her response. She had none, but I know she heard me. She simply went on walking down the sidewalk, happy to be on a walk with her dog, her sister and her mom.

I wonder if somewhere in the heavens the question was orchestrated so that I would need to contemplate the answer...because here I am two days later and the question washes over me again as I hold the tensions of life. Perspective, perspective.

...But, what IS the chief end for me in this life?
Love God, enjoy Him.
Forever.

Apostles' Creed

2007-01-08T00:10:00.000-06:00

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, the Creator of heaven and earth, and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord: Who was conceived of the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into hell. The third day He arose again from the dead, He ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty, whence He shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting. Amen.

I really, really like saying this creed. I recently recited the Nicene creed during midnight mass on Christmas eve but I like the Apostles' creed more because of its simplicity. We said it together tonight at Abbey Way. I closed my eyes and stated my faith outloud with others who are learning to live this faith in a new way. There is power in the spoken word. There is more power in the spoken word said in unison with like hearts.

What I have loved about this creed is the universiality of it, the big picture. Since I was a confirmand in the Covenant Church this statement of my faith has connected me with all of the faithful who have gone before. That great cloud of witnesses the writer of Hebrews refers to. The creed itself is solid. It has endured. (It is older than the Nicene creed, maybe even 1st century.) Just as the truths it espouses have endured, and will endure.

When I speak these truths outloud I am linked with those who believed them throughout all the ages. In the few moments when these words are on my lips I feel as though I am looking backward in time beginning before Creation and then the vision fastforwards through all of time...God, creation, the Son, conceived of the Holy Spirit, born, suffered, cruicified, died, buried, descended, arose, ascended, sits, judges...and then we arrive at today, the holy catholic (universal) church and the connection between us today and the great cloud of witnesses (communion of saints) who have gone before. Fast forward a bit further and we find ourselves forgiven, resurrected even! and living the life everlasting. Amen!

What else is there to be said??

Bloody Sunday

2007-01-01T01:23:00.000-06:00

Is there anything you can't find on You Tube??

Hope it makes you smile!

Third time's the charm...

2006-12-30T21:49:00.000-06:00

Finally, a post!

I've tried to post twice but holidays and family illnesses have drained all of my ability to put together anything coherent.

So, I offer you this...which I just read last night...

"He went on talking nonsense in his clear, rapid, beautiful voice, charmingly, automatically, as though he were wound up. Sally, making quiet, appropriate answers, wished they could pay proper attention to each other. Talk like this was like a nebulous mist between them, like the spray that some insects fling out in self-preservation. Perhaps that was the reason why people did talk like this; they wanted to isolate themselves.... She remembered that it is always the sick animal who wants isolation.... And suddenly she did not blame her father that in his drawing he had torn the mask away. When her old sheep dog had been sick and hidden himself away in a dark corner, she had had to bring him out into the light and give him a dose." from Pilgrim's Inn by Elizabeth Goudge

I love the beauty with which this paragraph is crafted. But even more, I love the way the character Sally sums up my own aversion to small talk. More and more (maybe as I approach middle age?) I find myself longing to vaporize the mist...stop isolating...tear away the mask...and step out into the light to get "a dose."

What a way to live, huh? Foolish? Perhaps. Naked? Definately. Real, honest, even bold...Lord, give me the grace.

Tis the Season for A Christmas Meme

2006-12-17T11:45:00.000-06:00

Tagged by the Benedictine Baptist, here is my response to the Christmas Meme

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
Egg Nog, but only in a FaLaLalatte from Caribou coffee!

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
No Santa at our house (see previous post)

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
White lights, only white!, on both the tree and the house.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
No, in fear I'd never get anything done around here!

5. When do you put your decorations up?
Day after Thanksgiving...so we are ready for the Feast of St. Nicholas on December 6.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish?
Lefsa - I am a Scandinavian on both sides.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child?
Our church's Christmas program and the Christmas candy we received after.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I can't remember ever being a believer, my parents didn't make a big deal out of him.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
Growing up our family Christmas was always on Christmas eve, now we open our family gifts on December 6.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
Dark red balls and bows, all silver and gold ornaments, very glittery in a classic sort of way!

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
Love it on December 24/25.

12. Can you ice skate?
Love too, but my ankles don't like my skates...now my girls are interested so I think I'll have to invest in a new pair.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
No favorites, but a special one was the jewlery box my husband gave me from a very posh jewelry store the first Christmas we were dating.

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
Slowing down.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
The Christmas cut out sugar cookies made with my grandma's recipie and her cookie cutters. Butter cream frosting too.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Attending Midnight Mass at the Bascilica of St. Mary in Minneapolis, alone or with others I always go.

17. What tops your tree?
Like the Magi I was searhing (for years), but this year the star I was searching for rests atop the balsam in our living room!

18.Which do you prefer giving or Receiving?
Giving.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
"Joy to the world" sung at the end of Mass

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
Yum when crunched up and put on other things!

Now that I have completed the meme, I tag Eija and Erin. Merry Christmas everyone!

December 6th - The Feast of St. Nicholas

2006-12-06T23:28:00.000-06:00

A few years ago our family took to celebrating the Feast of St. Nicholas. That was back when #1 daughter began noticing Santa Claus and asking a bunch of questions for which I didn't want to make up answers. So we researched St. Nicholas and discovered a wonderful real person who lived Christ's love in fullness. Now that was someone I wanted my children to be acquainted with!

Along the way we also decided to make December 6th our family gift exchange. My husband stays home from work, we bring out the china and the table cloth, light a million candles, examine our bulging stockings (filled with symbols of Nicholas' life), eat brunch and open our gifts to each other. We take time to retell the part of God's story that Nicholas lived. The beauty of this is that we get to focus the rest of the month on what we are giving to others...like St. Nicholas did! We also take more time to reflect and anticipate Christ's coming. In our house there are no gifts under the tree as we wait...just a large creche with an empty manger. (Jesus is hiding in a red velvet bag among the candles on the mantle, this is no secret either.) Together we are waiting for the eve when the bag is unwrapped and Jesus fills His rightful place.

May your advent season be filled with examples of Christ's love, like St. Nicholas and may you pause to notice the empty manger - the place in your life you are just waiting for Jesus to fill.

Blessings on St. Nicholas' feast day.

Day-ly Inspiration

2006-12-01T11:11:00.000-06:00

When you love people, you see all the good in them, all the Christ in them. God sees Christ, His Son, in us and loves us. And so we should see Christ in others, and nothing else, and love them. There can never be enough of it. There can never be enough thinking about it.

- Dorothy Day

The Nativity - the movie

2006-11-30T14:11:00.000-06:00

This from a review: "It confronts us with the harsh realities of living, traveling and giving birth 2,000 years ago. These were no plastic crèche figurines arranged on a mantle. These were frail, very young human beings struggling to find their way in life and discern God's will. The journey from Nazareth to Bethlehem becomes the symbol for that, as Mary, Joseph, donkey and in utero Baby jolt their way over hill and dale, rock and river, 100-plus miles away from home and comfort just to be told there's no room for them at the inn.

But it wasn't just for that. They knew that then. We know it now. And The Nativity Story doesn't shy away from showing it."

If the reviewer can bring tears to my eyes I can't wait to see it in the theater...one of the ways we will be celebrating the Feast of St. Nicholas on December 6th!

Vespers Office - The Concluding Prayer of the Church

2006-11-25T18:08:00.000-06:00

I love this prayer. I read it a few days ago, but with the Thanksgiving holiday haven't had a chance to post it. It comes from Phyllis Tickle's The Divine Hours, which is the prayer book Abbey Way folks are using at home throughout the week.

Pray with me...
"O Lord my God, I am not worthy to have you come under my roof; yet you have called me to stand in this house, and to serve at this work. To you and to your service I devote myself, body, soul, and spirit. Fill my memory with the record of your mighty works; enlighten my understanding with the light of your Holy Spirit; and may all the desires of my heart and will center in what you would have me do. Make me an instrument of your salvation for the people entrusted to my care, and grant that by my life and teaching I may set forth your true and living Word. Be always with me in carrying out the duties of my faith. In prayer, quicken my devotion; in praises, heighten my love and gratitude; in conversation, give me readiness of thought and expression; and grant that, by the clearness and brightness of your holy Word, all the world may be drawn into your blessed kingdom. All this I ask for the sake of your Son our Savior Jesus Christ. Amen."

That pretty much sums it up, no?

The Monastery

2006-11-15T00:29:00.000-06:00

This is the first thing in a very long time to make me wish I had cable tv...

What NOT to expect when you join a missional church

2006-11-14T15:33:00.000-06:00

From the beginning Abbey Way has been described as "both missional and monastic." Monastic in the sense that we live rhythms in our ways of being together as well as our ways of living while we are apart. Praying the Divine Hours twice daily and following the Revised Common Lectionary are just two of the ways we seek to live intentional rhythms.

The missional piece is being woven into the warp and woof of who we are, sometimes without our awareness. As far as I can tell, God has brought together a fascinating group of people who have been on their own journeys to the place we find ourselves now. We are not all "well versed" in missional language, but somehow (hmmmm...) our hearts are in one accord. We will figure out the language as we learn together, for many are already living missionally in the world they are called to. A large part of becoming who we are as a group will be to help each other listen to God's call and discern how we are to live missionally as God's people in our individual and corporate lives.

I was excited when I read this summary on David Fitch's blog and I asked him for permission to post it here. It is one more way for me to put words to our experience at Abbey Way, these things are happening among us and it is good - and yet, I ask myself "How did I come to a place where I believe and value the things in this list??" The answer? If I look back over the past 10 years I can recognize pressure points. Times when God moved something in me that was one more piece to fit in a much bigger puzzle. I am certain it is something that God has been growing in me for a long, long time. I am not certain yet that the whole of the puzzle will be Abbey Way - there is probably even more yet that I cannot see.

TEN THINGS ANYONE WHO JOINS IN A TWENTY FIRST CENTURY MISSIONAL CHURCH PLANT SHOULD NOT EXPECT

1.) Should not expect to regularly come to church for just one hour, get what you need for your own personal growth and development, and your kids' needs, and then leave til next Sunday. Expect mission to change your life. Expect however a richer life than you could have ever imagined.

2.) Should not expect that Jesus will fit in with every consumerist capitalist assumption, lifestyle, schedule or accoutrement you may have adopted before coming here. Expect to be freed from a lot of crap you will find out you never needed.

3.) Should not expect to be anonymous, unknown or be able to disappear in this church Body. Expect to be known and loved, supported in a glorious journey.

4.) Should not expect production style excellence all the time on Sunday worship gatherings. Expect organic, simple and authentic beauty.

5.) Should not expect a raucous "light out" youth program that entertains the teenagers, puts on a show that gets the kids "pumped up," all without parental involvement. Instead as the years go by, with our children as part of our life, worship and mission (and when the light shows dim and the cool youth pastor with the spiked hair burns out) expect our youth to have an authentic relationship with God thru Christ that carries them through a lifetime of journey with God.

6.) Should not expect to always "feel good,"or ecstatic on Sunday mornings. Expect that there will ALSO be times of confession, lament, self-examination and just plain silence.

7.) Should not expect a lot of sermons that promise you God will prosper you with "the life you've always wanted" if you'll just believe Him and step out on faith and give some more money for a bigger sanctuary. Expect sustenance for the journey.

8.) Should not expect rapid growth whereby we grow this church from 10 to a thousand in three years. Expect slower organic inefficient growth that engages people's lives where they are at and sees troubled people who would have nothing to do with the gospel marvelously saved.

9.) Should not expect all the meetings to happen in a church building. Expect a lot of the gatherings will be in homes, or sites of mission.

10.) Should not expect arguments over style of music, color of carpet, or even doctrinal outlier issues like dispensationalism. Expect mission to drive the conversation.

This kind of community may not be for everyone...but believe me this kind of Life is. Blessings!

2006-11-14T01:50:00.000-06:00

"...I am deeply convinced that the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self." Henri Nouwen

Abbey Way Update

2006-11-02T00:28:00.000-06:00

On one hand it is difficult to put Abbey Way into words, it is something I carry in my heart. But, it is an experience and a dream worth expressing, so to that end I will endeavor to share an update about our new little church. I've read several different authors from the 'emergent' movement over the past 3-4 years. Some of it I really resonnated with, some of it left me confused. But I read something tonight that sounded a lot like Abbey Way to me. So, whether we call ourselves 'emergent' or not at Abbey Way...with the help of another's words, here is glimpse into our life together in this new place to which we have been called. *You can read the entire text of this post over at
Kyle Potter's blog.

Kyle offers a definition of 'Emergent' based on the experiences of the faith communities he is affiliated with: "Emergence is a process that’s occurring now: ancient Christian orthodoxy and the practice of transformation in God’s new community have been buried in our Western religious culture, and they are surfacing again through an act of God’s love and power. There is nothing new here."

At Abbey Way we value personal transformation and one way we experience it is to break open a Biblical text, listen to a mediation on the text, sit with it, prayfully, in silence and ask "What are you saying to me God, in these verses?" Then, often tenatively at first, but always with growing momentum we share with each other the truths that resonnate in our hearts. The text becomes alive in us as we, each one, own the words and the truths and then speak them into the place we have intentionally left open for God in our midst. It is something like a group practice of lectio divina - the ancient practice of holy listening. But this group experience always leaves me changed. God speaks directly to me and through those around me. Together we seek God and together we find Him in a way that is powerfully transformational.

Kyle goes on to say, "This rediscovery of orthodoxy is the constructive work the Holy Spirit is doing in us: we are again choosing to be intentional about sharing a new life as the Body of Christ, “the fullness of him who fills everything in every way” (Eph 1:23). Understanding that we will be known as his disciples by the way we love one another (John 13:34-35), we’ve stopped asking questions about what it means to be an efficient, successful church or how to attract people to our religious activities. Instead, we are learning to share friendship and love one another well. We are sitting prayerfully with the scriptures and re-learning our history, asking Jesus to show us how to be faithful."

"We are learning to share friendship and love one another well." This so exactly expresses the heart of Abbey Way during these inital six months (and beyond!). I have only once before experienced a group where so many are so open to the others. We are intentionally getting to know one another, but the trust and the undercurrent of love is clearly already present. This is by no means a trust that had to be earned. In most relationships one connects and earns trust over time. Not so here. The trust is implicit in the relationship, simply granted unless proven otherwise. It is a beautiful thing to behold, a beautiful thing to be held by. Oh Jesus, show us how to be faithful indeed!

"This rediscovery of orthodoxy is the constructive work the Holy Spirit is doing in us: we are again choosing to be intentional about sharing a new life as the Body of Christ." This statement also reminds me of our life as Abbey Way...note I intentionally did not say "our life AT Abbey Way." For we ARE the Church, we don't GO to Church. The Holy Spirit is doing a work in and among us, helping us to identify with the ways of Jesus, the ways of living out faith, the ways of being hope and love in our everyday world. We are choosing to share our lives in order that we might better become the Life and Body of Christ in and for the world. It is risky. It does not come without cost - some of which we are clearly experiencing as we chose what to say 'yes' to in our daily lives. Letting go of other places and ways of being allows room for the Spirit to prompt us and for us to respond to ways of being hope and love to those around us.

We've only just begun. But the hope is tangible. The Life is palpable.

Ashley, Joel and Matt sum it up for me here:
All We Have (click for mp3 version)

Verse 1
If we are people of the presence
Then make us more present to You

Chorus 1
You're all we have
This is who we are
You're all we have
This is who You are

Verse 2
If this is Your kingdom
Let us rise up in freedom
Let all we do be done in Your power
If You have saved us
Let us be courageous
This very day this very hour

Misc 1
(BRIDGE)
I want to stand up
I want to rise up
Oh let us rise up

© 2005 Matrick Music (Admin. by Matt Patrick)
Ashley Malette / Joel Hanson / Matt Patrick

Sleeping with Bread

2006-10-22T22:24:00.000-05:00

(also known as the ancient practice of Examen or "holding what gives you life")

Tonight as I pause and look back over my day, I am grateful for

...sleeping in.

...waffels made by my husband and daughter.

...working outside putting the garden to bed.

...sharing a beautiful movie about the Tall Grass Prairie with my child.

...the feel of my little girl's warm hand in mine.

...good coffee.

...a chance to remember our world as God created it, and the hope of restoration.

...the chance to wonder about how the past relates to my future.

...the listening hearts at Abbey Way.

...a squeezing hug from little arms, that took my breath away.

...Larry, who has a special-grandpa-kind-of-connection with my little girl.

...the look of care and blessing in someone's eyes from across a room.

...hearing my friend's voice leading us in worship.

...the awareness of the call and the cost of servanthood, and the reminder that the sin isn't in the struggle.

This day couldn't have been more full, but it was a fullness that gives life instead of draining it away. Today was Sunday - and the sun is still shining in my heart - and I am sooooo grateful. Thank you Lord, thank you.

Skidboot the Dog

2006-10-13T09:21:00.000-05:00


Be amazed, be blessed. Enjoy this heart-warming segment from Texas. For more information visit www.skidboot.com

One Reason My Blog is Called "Listening"

2006-10-05T16:23:00.000-05:00

Todd Hunter National Director of Alpha USA,
and noted speaker on evangelism and culture writes:
How to Become an Outreach Oriented Church - Part One
"Cultivate the eyes of Jesus"

Jesus had a way of “seeing,” of observing what others missed.

He could see past the current situation of a given person. He recognized the potential in every human to repent and return to God. He knew God makes it possible for any seeker to become humanity as God intended. As Jesus went through his work-a-day life he paid attention. He was simultaneously present to the people and events of his life -and to God. He said things like “I only do what I see my Father doing;” or “I only say what I hear my Father saying.” He then did and said those things in the context - people and places - of His life.

The Gospels tell a story of Jesus seeing in a hated tax collector - Levi - something no one else saw. Jesus saw Levi’s capacity to become “Matthew”- the person God made him to be, the writer of the first Gospel. Can you imagine Jesus locking eyes with Levi as he passed his tax collecting booth that day. I imagine Levi saying something like this to himself: “Everybody hates me and calls me a traitor. They say I’ve sold my soul for money. This holy man is going to really rip me to shreds.” Jesus, though, looking deeper than Levi’s "I-know-I’m-in-the-wrong-eyes", looking beyond even his guilty soul, sees Levi’s capacity to change, and simply invites him to “follow me…” Jesus didn’t verbally rip him apart. Jesus communicated hope and the desire to be with Levi.

This is what all effective outreach oriented churches do. They see potential in people, not the past or present. Through paying attention to God and people, they develop in their congregation the faith-filled capacity to see the whole movie of a seeker’s life, not merely the present snapshot.

Ask God to give you the eyes of Jesus, then practice paying attention. As you do, you’ll find both an exhilarating faith journey and evangelistic effectiveness.
10/5/2006

Not only do I really appreciate Todd Hunter and all that he adds to evangelical life and the emergent conversation these days, but in his post above from the Alpha Connected website, he quotes my favorite verse in the Bible. It is a verse that has set the standard for my life for the past several years. John 5:19 "Jesus therefore answered and was saying to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of Himself, unless it is something He sees the Father doing; for whatever the Father does, these things the Son also does in like manner."(NASB) Of course I often fall woefully short and I will spend my life trying to live into this verse with anywhere near the depth that Jesus lived it. But nonetheless, it is a verse that speaks to me of the depth of intimacy that is possible with my Creator. Being present to this with-God sort of life in my everyday existence has opened my eyes to the sacred and the holy that surrounds me even in the mundane.

Todd points out Jesus' ability to be simultaneously present to events in his life, the Father...and people. This holy balancing act has profound implications. As I am present to God while intentionally noticing the happenings in my day it truly impacts how I treat others, how I respond to their needs, how I engage with them in activity or conversation, how I listen. It gives me a basis from which I can live into "doing nothing of myself, unless it is something I see the Father doing."

Of course my very humanness often tips the perfect balance one direction or the other. If I am tired, or hurting, or restless or distracted the balls come falling out of the sky and I lose the ability to be present to anything, much less my Father. Those are the times I need to be alone with God more than any other and seek His healing and comfort for myself, before moving toward those around me.

But doesn't the thought that our Father is present and already moving in every aspect of life around us, bring hope? And when I realize that I can tap into that and come present to God's movements I am so encouraged that indeed, God can and will use me, if I put aside all else in order to recognize where He is and what He is doing. It is this hope that is offered in the very next verse (John 5:20), "For the Father loves the Son, and shows Him all things that He Himself is doing; and greater works than these will He show Him, that you may marvel." Jesus was telling his disciples 'You think I do cool things. You will do even greater things than me!" (May we all find ourselves in a position to marvel at the work the Father accomplishes in and through us!)

It seems to me that living a with-God life is the perfect illustration of the art and the work of Listening.

PS - Happy 38th Birthday Mrs. Smith! May the coming year bring you MUCH joy!

Benedictine Beagle

2006-09-26T23:12:00.000-05:00

As I was headed to The Fallout tonight for my shift during the 24/7 prayer week the thought occurred to me "I should take Lacey." My more sensible self said, "What??? The Dog?!" I hemmed and hawed for the 15 minutes it took me to get out the door and one of the girls asked me if I was bringing the dog. "Yes." The question prompted my decision. In my head I wondered what this was about. My husband said, "What's she going to do?" My answer, "Pray, I guess."

Now, admittedly the last time I did a 24/7 prayer shift I was the only one there for the majority of my shift. I expected it to be the same tonight, but nooooo. There was a minimum of 6 of us most of the time and several people in and out throughout the 2 1/2 hours. As Lacey and I settled into our spot on the floor in warehouse 1 I realized I had no faith that she would be able to overcome her inbred need to sniff out every corner of the place...and believe me, I have an average nose, but I guarantee that place would have some interesting smells! I wondered if I would need to banish her to the van.

The peace of the Holy Spirit was palpable in warehouse 1. I settled into the silence. Lacey remained standing for 15 minutes or so, but then she relaxed...she sat down and leaned into my hand that was absently scratching her side. She let her head drop and then she laid down and put her chin on her paws. I immediately realized that in order to not disturb her, I would need to be still, very still, for a long time. My dog, that sweet, calm beagle, brought me into focused prayer quicker than I have ever gotten there on my own! We prayed in silence, scripture and spoken word, we read compline and sat in stillness. Lacey rested, stood, relaxed and slept in turns. She was out cold after we moved to a couch.

I still have no idea why I even thought to bring her in the first place. But it did occur to me...I know she just wants to be with me - her master, the one she adores more than any other. So, she willingly follows me wherever I go, she sits when I ask her, she moves when I tell her, she stays when I keep the leash short, she resists her inborn nature when I need her to and yes, she knows how to rest in my presence even when she is far removed from her comfort zone.

Good dog, Lacey. Good dog.

Geocaching

2006-09-15T22:48:00.000-05:00

Our family was introduced to geocaching this summer on our trip to Ohio. There's a link on my sidebar, but for the uninitiated geocaching is high tech treasure hunting. Who doesn't love to look for AND FIND! treasure? What a fun (read "addicting") way to get your family outdoors and moving!

The girls and I grabbed the dog and our GPSr and visited 3 cache sites yesterday. The picture is from our first find, a virtual cache. The last one we almost gave up on, but then found in a very peculiar place. All the sites were within a mile and a half of our house too! (Hey, Matt & Diane - from Diane's description of where you live, I think I even parked on your block - we took a paved path by the cemetery. See many people in your neighborhood walking around with a GPSr?) I have to say we all had fun, but the dog was clearly the most appreciative of the adventure. Nose to the ground like the true hound she is, she was fully partaking of the fun with all her senses. Stay tuned for more geocaching adventures!